I've suspected this for long, but recently I think its finally happening.
I am cracking up.
Many years ago, I remember seeing from the third person a scene where I was in a rikshaw, being pushed to go to school. And I didn't want to, and I just didn't want to. And I cried, and I cried that I don't want to. Pat came reply, only that usually pats come by on your back, this one was on your face. Yes, Papa. Not that he is a bad guy, but just that the extent of my enlightenment at that age, probably didn't work with him. I knew right then, although I didn't, but it seems good to put it like this, I knew right then that all the school college and office is all crap stuff where so many people are wasting there time.
Then there were more horrible times, having to go back to school after vaccations, is one of the most brutal punishments ever enforced on human kind. but we were strong then, as kids. We took all that brutality with the enthusiasm that comes with the smell of new books or the smell of rain and soil and the smell of a new class room, probably new classmates, and thought I didn't really think this way then, probably a new girl.
Just some days back, my internship in the company I am working in, was extended. And there was a weekend in between after which I had to rejoin. And I spent my sunday, feeling terribly like the last day of vaccation, although there has been none in past 5 months or so. and it was right there, I felt like I was going back to school. Just like that I had when going to school after a vaccation. There was a feeling of brutal injustic, and my mind was working hard at finding enthusiasm out of things. No new books, no new covers or shoes or dress, no new class mates, but well only the smell of rain. And I think this rain makes it all so much seem like that. Just like that smell of rain.
And then today was the worst. I was on the bus to office, just the way I was on a rikshaw to school, and I felt this terrible terrible thing. The injustice was right there in front of me, I was refusing to see it. I want to cry out. I dont want to go. I really dont want to go. But I didn't cry this time. There wasn't anybody to slap me if I cried, so I didn't cry. I just slapped myself with the thought, I am finally cracking up. Crazy is what one would call.
But just at the moment. Everything is absolutely like school used to be, absolutely. And I knew it then, as good as I know now, its all a lot of crap. So you see, I was really off age too early.
4 comments:
Gosh!
This is not the most encouraging piece of literature one can peruse a couple of days before joining a 9-5 job !
For once, I really hope, this school nostalgia thingy is your figment of imagination and not the truth, cause Ive had pretty similar experiences when I started school. and I have a lot of expectations from my job. :)
sounds interesting ! :) guess it's the effect of the rains... but hope you dont feel it all the time :)
@ujj
I guess it all differs with people and perspectives and changes with time too (?)
And in case you do have a lot of expectation from your job, which since you are saying so, i guess must be true, I really hope your perspectives and personality and time is not same as mine.
(What crap did I just say!)
@amida
Yeah, I am quite sure it has something to do with rain, but recently I have grown up, not I feel like the times I was in college (second sem onwards), when I just didn't want to go to lectures in the morning. I didn't go when I didn't want. No papa, or boss or money involved :(
I guess its getting the money that makes it all happen.
And I feel it almost all the time, if "almost" is some consolation!
"but we were strong then, as kids. We took all that brutality with the enthusiasm that comes with the smell of new books or the smell of rain and soil and the smell of a new class room, probably new classmates, and thought I didn't really think this way then, probably a new girl."
Someday I'll steal this line.
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