So Hows life

So, How is life people!

Been trying to prepare for GRE for last like 3-4 weeks. Not that I spent a lot of time preparing, but I did spend a lot of time preparing to prepare, by taking that one last nap before I study and by playing that one last game of FIFA before I get back and not touch it before October the 13th. Ya thats the date, not a friday so dont worry

This is not about GRE or preparation for GRE, this is something else. I have been living a good life for last one year or so, I am doing a job that I like doing, I am having a good personal life and all, I am talking to a lot of people, so it is not like the 6-7 months that I was interning in TI where I was basically communicating to two people and a phone and a wall.

So what is it about, life is good: no guitar ( I realize that it needs far more too much commitment that I am willing to offer, or it needs a good teacher which I am unwilling to spend time/money on because I wanted to be a self-learnt kind of shit), no writing (work keeping me too busy for any kind of writing, I am supposed to write atleast 3-4 long documents which document my work so effectively nothing else), no music (Its only once in a while I realize how long it has been since I used my headphones and then I get to it for a few hours), no running (not since the Bangalore 10k last december), no cooking (its too much effort, and Gunjan loves it, so he cooks most of the time we are not eating out, occasional bread and egg, if that qualifies as cooking), no reading (nothing, except work, no reading, I don't know why)

What else is there? No going out of town (I wish to, so much to get the heck out of here on the bike, preferably), No reading Astrix and obelix in crossword (They used to be very costly to buy, so I used to be at crosswords whole day, sometimes, and read them there: avg speed 1hr per copy)

Ok. the reason I write this blog is not to talk about whatever I have talked about till now. It is something else. One day, about 4-5 years ago, someone told me in a way of analyzing one's personality that I am very image concious. Now, being the way that I am, I want to be too complex for people to understand. Not that I put in any effort in that, but it simply works out. Anybody you see around is too complex for anybody to understand "completely". Thats simply because when u try to analyze a person, you tend to simplify things, and thereby losing out important information which becomes exception. This is true for any study, scientific or otherwise.
So what about that comment. I think it is true. The only way I think is by thinking about what others think of me. Now, this "others" is not everybody. It is people who think should think good about me. It is not people who I know are with me. I do not, in my actions, consider what people who KNOW me think about me. So that would be family and her and one or two friends who have ideas of me fixed to their mind which is very hard for any of my actions to change. So, it is not them, but everybody else.
That also, may be a simplification of sorts, and I know that there are a lot of people, a whole lot of people who think in a similar way. But the question really is, is there anyway to break free from this? When I started to think about typical ways to breakfree like going off to unknown places, I think about what those people would react to my breaking free.

This is all ok. But the biggest problem is that there are not many, in these 'others' who really care about me or what happens to me. They know me today, and used to know me 5 days later. So, it is such a waste of time to be thinking about what these guys think.

Well, it is complicated.
NO "GLOBAL GYAN" ON THE COMMENTS PLEASE.

What is more important?

A lot of times i wonder, what is more important, I guess I should wonder, I guess thats what people mean when they talk about setting priorities and all. But most of all I think, what is the most important thing? I dun really think about this many times, but when I do think, I don't like the idea that I do not really have an answer.

Four years ago, I was thought to be a piece of yes, shit, generally. Except probably my mom and all, who well, in any case will never think anything else. She even likes me singing. Five years before that, I was a brialliant kid who had just cleared an India level competitive exam to get into my new school which selected some 25 students in India and all. No they were not the 25 brightest kids in India, I can tell you that. Some of them are really good, I can tell you that too. Very few others though are like me.

So about nine years after I left my home for school, I find myself in this office. Last four years were dream come true in terms of success and all. Yes they had there parts of boring and interesting things, but over all when I look back, it was a good time to be in.

Now though, it has gone the full circle it seems, but I still have the confidence sometimes, it is loosing grip though, that I can do anything. Probably I too am going to be shut down in the office building with the crap life, that I see all around. I really wanted to break it through. I think I can, but I dont think so much these days. I am bored to death.

I am in an office, I dont want to be for very long. If they decide to take me in permanent basis, I'll have abt double the money in my pocket, but I really dun thnk i want to be here for long, Its not the work, not the people. I just don't feel i can belog here. I know stuff like that sometimes, or atleast I like to think I know. Like I knew it when i went to college that this was the place for me. The coolest place I could be in. I really didn't think I could ever belong to IIT, and I didn't want to after I went to that place (and no, grapes aint sour at all this time around).

So thats whole load of crap I know it doesn't make much sense. But before I sign off, I'll leave you with this:
These are my people, doing what they want to do, a gaurantee for satisfaction for life that they did what they thought they could do. The concept is really interesting, have a look at their site, I'll write more about this in the next post, if I don't forget.

I like their tag line most :

TEMPOSTAND - park your music here

I dun know who claims the naming of this startup, but it sure is snappy, if that is the right word. They've released an album recently, no they are not a band, they are an online music company of sorts. Take a look http://www.tempostand.com/

Looking for a JOB

Objective: To work in a brain friendly environment which offers peace to the brain by not troubling him much, and pays enough for food, house and a bike may be, and an ipod and some money to buy some songs and books.

No jokes, I am really looking for a job, but for people like me it takes a lot of work to try to get a job. First thing, I'll have to write up a resume, Zeroeth thing, I'll have to look online for 'HOW TO WRITE A RESUME' and then do the first thing. And then re-write it because some other site may suggest something else for resume. If I get through all of this, I got to then apply into different job-sites or in the individual sites of the company which, according to my past experience, write back 'We will inform you about any openings suiting your profile'.

Its not their fault at all, its just that my profile doesn't resemble anything like you'd want to hire. Forget the profile, even if you knew me really through, and wanted to hire me at any cost, you'd find yourself at loss of reasons for hiring.

But anyway, if you'd have known me really and wanted to hire me because it'd do me good, i wouldn't wanna take it basicaly because, I like to think that I wouldn't want to get things easy. So that leaves us with the harder way. And the harder way of writing up a resume after looking for 'how to write a resume, and then looking for sites to upload that shit, it has till now proved too stressful a job to be done by me.

But well, nobody gets anything easy right! So i think so too. But still I just like to think, I'll not be stuck in a cubicle doing some-shit which does not give me nething except money and lot of frustration. And so probably a job in google or something would do. I don't know for how long, but it'll do for now.

If also, you happen to be some person frm record industry, and have an opening for a music listner, I am not too good at it, but i like to do it. So you can contact me. and I'll send you my resume.

I'd like it best if u were from some publishing house, and wanted me to read books for you before you pub,ish them and all, yeah i;d do that, provided the books that ur author people write are not too boring.

Otherwise you could be from a KG school, I'd like to work for you. I know ABCD and all very well. and numbers too. But jus tmake sure that u pay me enough, which something tells me you don't

So thats why I am stuck here. Some people want to take me, I don't want to go, others don't want to take me, I am not sure I'll stay with them for long. Some others have jobs (like the last one) which do complete justice to my profile, but they pay too low.

One day long time back, my school principle asked me, what have you excelled in: I didnt say nething, coz there was no answer, or there was one NOTHING. so it goes on.
But what is it all about. I can keep writing anything I want, if people want to read this stuff, but they usually don't. Sometimes they do, othertimes I am jobless. And neway, its easy to write nething u wanted to write when life's just been being good to you.

I am writing all this crap, for no particular reason. I'll try to be more organized next time, probably that will make a more interesting read. If I can be. its hard you know. i m lazy. and i m slow.


But you know what 'Stacy's Mom, has got it going on'

The Earth and all

...giving an extra shuffle to an already well-shuffled pack of cards. You know it will change your luck, but you don't whether for better or worse. - James Glieck in CHAOS: Making a New Science


Long long time before this time, there was an earth, a moon, a sun. And there were others who we don't bother about much. The earth used to be hot, very hot. Then it had something to do with the little molecule and all. But we will not bother about those either. The lead role of this story is being played by Earth. Sun is suspected to be the father of earth, I mean that's what we think happened, that Sun wanted to have 9 kids or something, and so it dropped 9 small pieces and they became his kids, who kept bothering him for a long time, going round and round him asking for money and all. Its a little strange, I mean, who wants kids like those, and who gets kids like this, by dropping parts of himself. But that is what we believe happened. (The exact number of kids are still not known, there are rumours sometimes that sun has other kids, which nobody is sure of as of now, but well, let's leave him alone, sun would be the last thing I would want to gossip about)

So the Earth, like i said before, was very hot. And sun, did not want his kids to be as hot-tempered as he was. (Its common with almost all parents that they don't want their kids to do things that they think they did wrong, but they all know nothing about James Glieck and Chaos and shuffled pack of cards and all). So basically sun wanted Earth to be a good boy, he took help of certain little molecules to do that. Those molecules didn't know what they were doing though.

Anyway, what happened, in all of this was that, Earth became all blue. all blue. And then suddenly strange things started happening. Earth started getting some fungal infections. It was green colour kind of thing. Very strange. So when these strange things started happening, Earth asked Sun for help. Sun was confused, he had sent the little molecules to cool earth down, but well, he didnt ever expect it turn out this way (I told you, shuffling a shuffled pack of cards...).

In the meantime, the green thing was spreading over earth's body which was not covered by water (How water came, is another story already told). Sun thought, probably, if he heated earth up, these fungii will go off. So he did, when he did, he ended up drying up more water, and all the fungii got even more place to spread. (Remember, shuffled pack of cards). So, what could he do. Sun was help-less. Infact, it was later learnt that these fungii used sun's light to cook food for themselves. Earth asked help from her brothers and sisters, they had no clue either.

To Sun's rescue came the STAR broadcaster (Ok, this is not the TV that you see, they have copied the name though, the purpose was similar, it was the source of entertainment(!) and mis-information for the stars), that there was one way. It showed the progress of technology in the galaxy. And it was great. Sun didn't like it earlier but a close friend told him about it and only then did he discover that this was a known problem. There were shampoos available which released agents all over the body. The agents then took care of themselves and slowly got rid of the fungii. Sun suggested Earth to use these. There were many brands available. All of them worked on a similar concept. The shampoo was applied, and it released very tiny agents on the body which grew and slowly took care of the fungal infection. The agents grew in different shapes and sizes. The shampoos looked like the shampoos, you'd bath your dog with, if you had a dog and did not have somebody else who'd give him a bath. The shampoos when rinsed, produced a great foam.

Earth used it many times, we have been able to figure out about two or three times. We have also, discovered the kind of agents produced. The initial few times, the agents did not work very good, the fungii had even started growing on and underwater. The shampoo companies released newere version of shampoo which possesed ability to develop agents who'd think they are very intelligent. They would not only get earth rid of the fungus, but also will kill other agents, thereby to an extent solving the problem of cleaning the agents after the fungus was taken care of. The shampoo company was making real big buck with this new technology.Even though nobody knew how well its going to work.

So Earth shifted to the new product. Rinsed the previous shampoo. The great foam was raised all over the earth, and then later, the new shampoo came. It took few minutes for the intended agents to 'evolve'. The agents which came before the next breed of agents, thought believed that they were THE agents. They liked to believe so. The shampoo company had claimed that they were going to be 'intelligent agents'. Earth had no way to know, how 'intelligent' the agents were. The evolving agents proved James Glieck's theory about shuffled cards. They did there job allright, for sometime. Earth was happy a lot of fungi was gone. She bought another bottle of the shampoo.

But the agents outdid themselves each time. They proved to be too intelligent and too diversely intelligent. They got rid of a lot of fungii, but then some of them started growing more fungii. Some of them started protecting fungii. But they were all ok, the agents that followed, started growing some other stuff. Initially, Earth ignored it. But it was too much to be ignored. The stuff was spreading faster than the fungii did. The salesstar who sold the shampoo said that the real agents haven't come yet, and Earth did not need to worry and MUST not rinse it, because the intended agents had not yet been developed.

It was very itchy all that stuff, they were growing. Earth shook hard sometimes, sometimes it shook even harder. But it did not seem to solve a lot of problems.

Sometimes, Earth wondered about the purpose of its life, it wondered for how long will she keep going around the sun asking for stuff, and it wondered if that was the real purpose of its life. Or was it something else, was it some greater deed that was in store for here.
Some other times, she just itched herself. Sometimes, she got some small kids floating around to itch here or there. All they could really do was hit as hard as they could.

And the stuff continued to grow. The agents were underestimated, they became communicable and started troubling Earth's son and Marsi, Earth's favourite sibling. It led to differences between Earth and Marsi, Marsi complained to Sun. Sun was watching all this, and was helpless. The shampoo company said, don't rinse, wait, Marsi said, get rid of the thing, u've begun to look ugly, Moon (Earth's son) said nothing. Earth itched.

To be continued...Probably, Probably not.
(This time, the author claims lack of imagination is the reason for having no knowledge of the story beyond this point. Imagination claims, it has nothing to do with this disaster.)
(James Glieck has nothing to do with all of this, niether do his cards)

What was I born for?

I don't know if that is an universal query fired by a usual mind, but I am quite sure, there are many many people who have asked this question, to themselves and to others, and probably all of us have done that sometime or the other.

Kurt Vonnegut is one author, I can never get bored of. Its like Asterix and Obelix. I read 4 of them yesterday sitting in Crossword without buying even one. I know that is not good, but there are certain people, who always have pledge to start buying more first hand books as a tribute to the author, when they start getting payed enough. Nobody ever gets paid enough, most of the times, is another matter.

So that was not the point. The point was straight forward. What was/is the purpose of my life. I write 'was' as an option because, it clearly may be that I have already fulfilled the purpose of my life and now am just killing time to get to the next level of the game. I also write 'may be'.

What does Kurt Vonnegut have to do with this. Yes he does. You have to read 'The sirens of the Titans' to know what I am talking about. And you have to read 'Cat's Cradle' to know what it could mean and how easy could the answer to life be (I am talking about the end of the book)

So where does this question come from. Yes, it comes more often than not, when one is at work and one is saying 'What the hell am I doing here'.

One day it had occured to me it was for love, like the bollywood movies say. But two entities created for the purpose of them to be loved by each other was a very strange idea. Atleast, it wasn't a human kind of idea. I mean humans wouldn't create such a thing. Or may be they would. Who knows.

Or may be it was for love. Love of oneself. To treat yourself in the way you wanted. Enjoy the life and all that crazy stuff. The other day, my current-room-mate was telling me about Ayn Rand's philosophy of objectivism being something like true happiness lies in detachment from everything else. That's the kind of stuff I am talking about in this paragraph, the true happiness thing. Doing what makes you happy, there is a catch though, how many people really know what makes them happy.

I can never forget the example that James Gliek give in the book about Chaos, he says something like, if you shuffle a shuffled pack of cards, you'd never know if it was for good or worse. He was talking about Chaos, but he could even be talking about life, what a chaos it is.

So coming back to the point about Ayn Rand, the philosophy, I find quite similar to the ancient Hindu philosophy of Sanyas and all, I mean, did it not say to detach yourself from worldly things and desires, and that is the only path to Nirvaan. The exact opposite philosophy I read some days back by Vivekananda, (its not his philosophy probably, but he was standing in a poster and this quote was standing next to him) "One who does not live for others, his life is a waste".

There is one thing I have quite clearly set in my mind, that nobody in the world probably really knows about this stuff. May be Paulo Coehlo does, but all that he writes is too much to believe all the time. May be that's how truth is. Or may be it is Ayn Rand. But what about the ancient hindu scriptures, and Gautam Buddha and Vivekananda, and Jesus Christ said something about Love everyone or Prophet Mohammad.

Does anyone know the purpose of his life?

May be just asking this question over and over again, is the purpose. May be there is absolutely no purpose, may be we are just wasting our time. May be there is a real purpose of the life. Something that we'll never know. May be we are just sailing molecules, who have no individual purpose, but are together solving a purpose, by creating this chaos in the world? May be. The little molecule. May be

The little molecule-2

When I was younger, I hated stories which ended with "To be Continued" phrase.
Continued from The little molecule -1

A long time had passed. The molecule was crushed somewhere in a small corner of the huge house. He decided this was not what he wanted. But what could he do. It was not like older days when he could just fly out of anywhere. He had no space to move. he tried to talk, but he couldn't hear himself talking. all he heard was noise. lots of noise.
There began his journey which went on for long ages. He tried to keep track of time that passed. He couldn't. In that small corner, he had begun to fit well, so well that he believed, that was all where he could fit. Sometimes when noise was lower, he would talk to the other hydrogen molecule and with their leader oxygen. Sometimes he would hate them. Then he would miss the times when he could fly by where he wanted. Sometimes he would remember that the actual purpose of this all was giving someone life. He tried to ask oxygen who it was that he was helping. Oxygen always told him, it was for a much greater reason than he could ever think of. It was not that oxygen didn't want to tell him. Even he was always told just this much. Once when he was younger, he had tried to ask what this was all about. He found that he could not find anyone who knew anymore than he did. Slowly the questions died.
The molecule had been through much. He had gotten out of his house. That was the time the three of them talked. And then he had found himself back in some other house. The oxygen tried to explain to him what was happening, but he always used strange words ending with 'tion' which molecule could not make sense of and after sometime, he gave up.
The molecule started wondering if there could be someway, neway he could go back to be the way he was. Sometimes he thought that he would just quit and go away. He wanted to live for a real cause. The reason why he had decided to join the Oxygens, but he could not see what this was all about. There was no reason for him to stay there anymore. He wanted to be free.
Then one night, when everyone was sleeping he had tried to runaway. But he could not getway. He couldn't break the bond with the oxygen and the other hydrogen. He had been with them for so long and he felt he could not do anything alone either. He had probably also forgotten how to fly. But he forced his way out but he had to take the other hydrogen with him. Something must have helped him escape, but he didn't realize. He was just happy to be out. They went far away in the sky. Free at last, or were they?

The Oxygen molecule woke up to find himself together with so many other Oxygen molecules and one of them in his own room, and there were no hydrogens. The other oxygen molecule informed him that he was going to be with him for sometime. And they flew away too. Everyone was flying. Everybody was happy for sometime. Nobody knew how it had happened. Hydrogens thought they knew, but were not sure. Some claimed the knowledge of devine hand of God. Some others were not sure. And most others had no idea, and so believed in the devine theory. Those who weren't sure, thought that it was their hard work because of which this had happened. Some amongst them were not sure about this either. They took a safe stand and said, it was possible only because of their hardwork, but it would not have been possible without the devine help. At various points various some or the other of them changed their, what we would call, school of thought. Some created newere versions which meant nothing much more substantial, but they liked to be the molecules starting a new school of thought. And there were so many of them that almost always they found molecules which followed them.

So they were about floating in the air. Oxygens still had work to do. They were getting orders from different source, about which absolutely nobody among them knew. But they were not very sad and definitely were not missing the hydrogens and they didn't need to live in the clumsy houses anymore. For sometime atleast. But they met different molecules at different times. Some more hydrogens, there were others, carbons and others about which they had not heard before.

The little hydrogen molecule did not believe much in any of the theories that hydrogens were making about their freedom. And he felt lost. There were sometimes when he wanted to belong to some group, but he found it wierd to believe in something that everyone only belived in, without any knowledge of truth or false attached to it.

The little hydrogen had always been little. He never grew. None other hydrogens grew either, but most of them would change their behaviour at certain time and start talking in thick voices. They were called elders, little hydrogen was as old as some of the elders but he was little still. Sometimes he wanted to be one of the elders. Most other times he did not.

But once again, the little molecule was worried about what he could or would do. He was serving some purpose till sometime back. He remembered the series of events that had happened. They did not seem so tough a journey as it had then. He didn't remember the long periods of silences that he had as they were. He only remembered that they were their. He remembered some conversations but. And he remembered sometimes when he had had real fun. He remembered some mistakes that he did and somethings which he would make right, if he was to go back in time. But if, someone asked him if he wanted to go back. He'd say no. It was over. It was long back. He then believed in the thoughts of that oxygens believed in too. But he did not believe it now. He still wanted to do something, something good, only that he did not know what it was.

Time passed, lots of time. And then one day, he found himself trapped among thousands of other hydrogen atoms. They said, they were going to do great things. They said, its no use to live your life and have not done anything for anyone else. They sounded like oxygens, but they were more determined. Much more. So much that he thought that he wanted to join them. And they read his thought. They were fast, very fast. they were not elders, but they wanted to be elders, very fast. They read his thought and told him that all his life he had wanted to do something. And this was his big chance. This was the thing, he probably was made for. This was the one thing that was the reason, he was looking for, all his life. What were they going to do, he asked them.

They said, just wait and watch. Actually most of them did not know what it was themselves. They said just wait and watch because others had told them to just wait and watch. But they said it confidently, just like it had been told to them and the little molecule, in all his confusion, somehow believed them. And went with them.

They went on for a long time. They sang songs of praise for themselves and their cause. Nobody asked what the cause was. Those who did ask, did recieve replies. Just wait and watch. That's what everyone said. They mentioned sun sometimes. Sometimes someone said something like energy. But mostly everyone said just wait and watch. The little molecule found himself going towards the earth once again. Just wait and watch, they said. Some asked him too, about what this was all about. He said, just wait and watch, not as confidently as he had been told, but enough to convince the molecule that asked that he should just wait and watch and tell everyone who asks him to just wait and watch.

Somebody said something about sacrificing for a great cause. The little molecule did not know what sacrificing meant, ofcourse he had no chance of knowing what the great cause was. But since everyone around him was so convinced, he felt good about what he was going to do. And then it happened. Very suddenly. It became very hot and boom, there was a large noise. The little molecule didn't know what had happened. The little molecule did not know where he was. Something had happened. They had said, it was for good. The little molecule hoped so. He didn't know and it didn't matter. Sacrifice, yes it was. He did not know what it meant. Something good must have happened. It didn't matter. Things don't matter at all after a certain instant.

Not to be continued.

The little molecule -1

The entropy of an isolated system not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time, approaching a maximum value at equilibrium.The entropy of an isolated system not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time, approaching a maximum value at equilibrium.
(Ref: wikipedia, what else)

Once upon a time there was a molecule. People say it was hydrogen. Some may say Helium, nobody actually knows. But all believe that it was there and most believe it was Hydrogen. It was not alone ofcourse, it was with lots of others. The molecule used to fly about in the open spaces and just fly. One day while the molecule was flying, it was somewhere over the earth when Oxygens cam along. They said that the molecule was selfish to be roaming around about so freely when there was so much of trouble in the world. They said that they were life givers and that the Hydrogens can help in giving life too. The molecule said, that it was happy the way he is. Oxygens went away calling him selfish and other names.

Some weeks later (Here, it would be good to point out that the weeks that we are talking about are not the weeks as they are now, no they do not represent the time taken by sun to go around the earth 7 times. However, the details of the time-system will be too tedious for reader to understand and me to explain), so I was saying that some weeks later while the molecule was flying over a similar area, he suddenly thought that may be there was some truth in what the oxygen was saying. For a moment, he felt ashamed of being so selfish. He then started looking for oxygen and when he found some oxygens around, he asked if he still could be of some help. He was told that since he had been so late, he would have to get another friend of his, ofcourse another hydrogen friend, and the oxygens will send one of their molecules to show them the way.

It finally happened. Millions of hydrogens had this change of mind, but they were still confused about what they are supposed to do. They formed groups with oxygens. And floated in sky till one day they started turning dark brown, and then one day, without warning, oxygens told the hydrogens that they were going to turn into liquid. Before our little molecule could ask what liquid meant, he knew what it was. There were thousands of huge houses, and in each of those, there were millions and more than that molecules of oxygen and hydrogen. And all these houses were falling down. Down and down on earth.

The little molecule, was crushed in a corner of this house. If Einstien knew about this molecule, he would say that it was condensed. But it was not so simple as Einstien thought it to be. The molecule, little molecule which was flying and flying all in the open space was suddenly put into these houses. It was sad. a very sad state. It was the liquid state

But it was for good. The molecule was not being selfish now. He had no choice now anyway.

To be continued

Gaseous State

Confusion is a very confusing topic to talk about so i'll try not confuse in here, but if it somehow not possible to achieve, try not to be confused. or may be being confused is the greatest thing.

I am confused about a lot of things. I am confused about what the purpose of life is, I am confused about how a poem should be written, i am confused abt what should I talk to a person that i`ve been dying to talk to, about astrology, about philosophy, about my views about any subject, about suggestions that i should give when people expect them, abt the CORRECT way of doing things, nd i m confused abt the existence of that correct way.

But confusions have developed a kind of hit a rythm with me. I see a lot of big people trying to confuse there way out of things. I like that and I used to think I could do that too, but now i am confused abt that.

But there is one thing that I am not confused about at all, or may be almost at all. Confusions help in solving the problems that fundamentalism brings in. I mean confusion is in gaseous state. Any thing can come in and mix with it. There is room for all. I somehow like my confusion, or atleast i m confused abt whther i should like my confusion or not.

Sometime back I used to think straighter, I used to give advices. I still do that sometimes, but most other times, i am in gaseous state. U can trap the smoke in a jug but does it mean anything, I am sorry to those who expected me to suggest solutions. But I really don't know the solution. (I know, those people have learnt not to expect the solutions from me now).

I am confused about what I am doing. And what I should be doing. I am confused about if I should like my work because liking the work makes the work easy or should I do the work that I like.
I am really confused about if I'd not stop liking the work that I like now. Where does this all end. Or does it not.

I am confused about how some people are not confused. How some people can think straight, have goals when everything else is so confusing. Aims and goals and ambitions don't come from gaseous state (I think), but how is something better than the other. (Yes I know, somethings are downright better than some others, but mostly its all confusing)

Astrology is a science of future telling. I am confused about how can it work. I am confused about if I should believe it or not. I don't usually or atleast try not to. There is a lot that is in gaseous state. Science itself. Religion. my life, future and past. I.

Confused Poet

Confusions.

Well I am confused about a lot of things. Once long ago i set out to write abt the confusions, but the problem was that i thought before writing abt what i am going to write, If u understand what i mean, it spoils the whole thing. Its always the case, whenever I have to give a prepared talk or a rewrite something that I had earlier written or thought, I am so much in love with the original version that I just cannot get myself from trying to copy it and since I can't remember exact words, I spoil the whole thing. it becomes wierd

POEMS

I used to write lot of poems. Mostly stupid, others rhymingly stupid. But I liked some of them and I tore most of them. But when i liked the ones that i had lost earlier, i tried to rewrite those and then same phenomena, it was nothing like it was.

I don't understand a few things. Paintings top the list. Poems come somewhere nearby. Some of the stuff is good and it makes some people cry nd all, but all the rhyming stuff, its crazy why people wud do it if they are not having fun, i mean serious poets. The poems, if i may call them so, that i wrote were just desperate search for the next rhyming word. I know some people who'd do it just for the fun of it. I know others who'd do it so that it sounds good. But i don't understand why would someone do it because it is supposed to be!

My problem is not actually with poems which rhyme as may have appeared in the previous few sentences. My problem is that some people write poems which do not rhyme at all. Now how is one supposed to distuingish between such poems and prose I mean if I wrote something like:

There was one a rider
A rider who used to ride

Ride because he had a bike
Bike because he had the money
Money because he had a rich dad

So, if i have to write a poem, if I start every sentence with a CAP and make sure that I hit the enter button before the end of the line, it makes a poem! or will i have to rhyme it too.

I know this post is a lot of shit. But I didn't ask u to read it either. There is a lot of shit that is going to follow this shit. I am thinking of starting to write poems. Or atleast stories. Or may be just some shit.

On a odd night with nothing to do

A man has got to do what a man has got to do and on a useless night, with nothing much to do except orkut with not many friends online and those online not responding, one has got to come back here and do what one has wanted to do for a long time

Once I wrote long about my life and confusions, and after having written a lot, I decided that it wasn't just worth while trying to explain what was happening in your life, then I simply didn't publish the thing, then about six months later, I got back to dashboard and posted it again.

One day a prof said to me that growing up meant, you had to have grow out of yourself. He asked if I could just go to a person, say a prof, without any reason, just because u felt like. I said no. Today, I went half the way

One day I said to myself, that I didn't know what I want. I said to myself then, that probably nobody does. Today I thought about what I wanted, I still don't know

I want to earn money, but I don't want to be rich
I want to write all the I's I write to be in capitals
i am not sure, i can always do it

My bro wants me to set my goals. No to go to america is not my goal. No I don't love my nation. I loved it. But now I don't understand what it means. No I don't mind going to america. No I don't mind earning money. No I don't want to be rich. I probably don't want to be famous. Yes I want people to listen.

I wanted to be Howard Roark. I know I am not. Still I would have liked to be.
I am very ordinary. I don't want to be. I try to find special things or thoughts in me. i find them. I find then, they are fairly ordinary too.

I don't want need to many people. I want to be needed. I want to be there when I am needed. I am not always there. I am not sure I am sorry, but probably I am

I love people who hate me. That's probably because I like to be important. But I am not sure many people really hate me. I like to be invisible or be really seen. I am most of times somewhere in middle. I hate to be in middle of road. I find myself there most of times.

I like writing. I can't get myself to do that very well or very often. I am lazy

I say i too many times. and give I too much importance.

Saying all this will not change one thing in me.