December 18, 2006

On a odd night with nothing to do

A man has got to do what a man has got to do and on a useless night, with nothing much to do except orkut with not many friends online and those online not responding, one has got to come back here and do what one has wanted to do for a long time

Once I wrote long about my life and confusions, and after having written a lot, I decided that it wasn't just worth while trying to explain what was happening in your life, then I simply didn't publish the thing, then about six months later, I got back to dashboard and posted it again.

One day a prof said to me that growing up meant, you had to have grow out of yourself. He asked if I could just go to a person, say a prof, without any reason, just because u felt like. I said no. Today, I went half the way

One day I said to myself, that I didn't know what I want. I said to myself then, that probably nobody does. Today I thought about what I wanted, I still don't know

I want to earn money, but I don't want to be rich
I want to write all the I's I write to be in capitals
i am not sure, i can always do it

My bro wants me to set my goals. No to go to america is not my goal. No I don't love my nation. I loved it. But now I don't understand what it means. No I don't mind going to america. No I don't mind earning money. No I don't want to be rich. I probably don't want to be famous. Yes I want people to listen.

I wanted to be Howard Roark. I know I am not. Still I would have liked to be.
I am very ordinary. I don't want to be. I try to find special things or thoughts in me. i find them. I find then, they are fairly ordinary too.

I don't want need to many people. I want to be needed. I want to be there when I am needed. I am not always there. I am not sure I am sorry, but probably I am

I love people who hate me. That's probably because I like to be important. But I am not sure many people really hate me. I like to be invisible or be really seen. I am most of times somewhere in middle. I hate to be in middle of road. I find myself there most of times.

I like writing. I can't get myself to do that very well or very often. I am lazy

I say i too many times. and give I too much importance.

Saying all this will not change one thing in me.


Ujj said...

at least your honest. not many people are.

im not sure i understand why you dont know if you love/want to loe this country?

cool! keep em coming. you friendly neighbours loves to read.

gaurav said...


I don't understand, what was the role of creation of nations in the specific evolution of human beings. Probably there was a very significant role, and may be I don't want to understand.

Ujj said...

@ i_gaurav:
or may be that the whole new global idendity injected into us by the present day media wants you to belive so?
nations were not created. they were geographically distributed people who were different from each other. The sense of a nation gave them a sense of a feeling of pride. you take this mass pride out of the equation and we are multi cellular advanced organisms differing in color, height and facial structure.
part of the same human compost.

gaurav said...

@ Ujj

We don't cease to be "multi cellular advanced organisms differing in color, height and facial structure" just because we have a common name.

media, may be. aren't the organisms all different in the nation itself.

Its geographical yes. Its cultural, depending on time that the culture has spent. And still it seems to be a lot of BS.

We hide a lot when we pack a lot of things in large compartments. India is not what we see is India, neither is Pakistan. It is a group of individuals of different social status, values, bank balances, thoughts, emotions, physical features, and practically everything you can think about. I am not really sure, it is a very rational thing to put them in together, just because they all love to watch Indian team win. Or may be it is.

Ujj said...

good point, but at least a group of people enjoying a cricket match together, laughing their balls out if their teams doing well, is much much better than a civil war !
human beings like to be unequal its something like entropy, the higher the better. At some level a rich Indian and a poor Indian are both Indians. Of course you can carry over the argument to say that atleast theyr humans but its better to be a part of 1/6th the human race than the whole of it.
Besided belonging to a nation makes you/should make you empathetic towards the problems closer to you. I mean Indians face hunger when Americans face teenage pregnency. We gotta work remove hunger first, in a way thats one more way of looking at it.

gaurav said...

yup, its always the case. Its always jabalpur first nd then MP nd so on

Sitting in my office, it doesn't really matter what is happening in Delhi. but it does matter that there were riot like situation around in bangalore

But nation is important. Only question is probably that when geographical distances do make a difference, why does suddenly line on the political map, which one will find hard to map onto a physical map, make such a large difference

Its only a question

Tanushree said...


liked what you wrote. a lot.

the sense of confusion. me likes it and shares it too. i guess .. its always good to ask questions, for the sake of growth.

As i write this, i read your blog again. its awesome. honest and thoughtful. can relate to it a lot. me wants to be Roark too!

Tanushree said...

And if it helps..

In the sunscreen graduation speech (hope you've heard it), the speaker says,

'Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.'

Makes me happy n can imagine myself as somebody like that..! :)

Ispeaker said...

No I haven't heard the speech, but a certain gentleman called "calvin" wrote something like that as a comment to my previous post!

And to tell u the truth, this line of the revered speaker, if I remember it, will probably make me feel guilty of not being interesting, if I have am anywhere in the direction of knowing what I want to do with my life before 40!

And ofcourse, it doesn't apply to all of us, I mean I can be (or probably am) not interesting without knowing what i want to do with my life.

But then who cares, life will go on pushing, i will keep on walking.
If it stops, i will sit and watch tv

Suman said...

hey, I liked this post immensely..The sentence about Howard Roark is the most endearing factor I guess..I wonder if Ayn Rand in real felt-like/knew/heard of someone like him or its the extreme of imagination..
I am mostly working opposite..I have a list of the persona I don't want to be and of things I don't want to do for sure..But thats not much of a consolation..Because options are unlimited..This limitlessness thats positive for the determined, is a hindrance to most average people (like me) who neither have the unlimited passion to achieve "the" something nor are dumb enough to be happy with the passionless life..

ispeaker said...


This limitlessness thats positive for the determined, is a hindrance to most average people (like me) who neither have the unlimited passion to achieve "the" something nor are dumb enough to be happy with the passionless life..

This is a great thought, I must say. Will use it sometime ;)

Will be great fun to have you around.