January 27, 2011

Starting something new

There was a time when I would write to bring things out of me. But that time seems lost. When I write now, I have to make an effort to think of things to write.

I have tried to write down promises to myself, hoping that I will fulfil them if I write them down. But thats not really true.

In fact, the more I write about it, the more it fills me with a false sense of achievement without really doing anything, if you know what I mean.

So, although I started to write this down to document the start of something. I'd rather not. Lets just keep it with me and with those who care about my dream as their own.

June 16, 2010

When I don't feel like going to work

It surprises me how often you get to hear things like - 'the day I dont feel like getting up from bed and going to work, I will know I should quit'. Most recently from an interview of the god of cricket, and earlier from a lot of CEOs and successful old people. The most interesting thing is that by that standards, I should have quit right when I was 8 year old - or earlier - I dont remember.

The single biggest problem with my life has been to find to stick to something. Well, its hard. I tried often to follow english premier league and spanish and others. The most difficult part was that although I enjoyed watching the football - I could never commit myself to a team in particular. I tried Man U at school - tried Arsenal - never worked. In fact the only sporting team I could ever commit to was Indian cricket team. And there too, I remember the worldcup finals of 2003 when I almost started cheering for Ponting because of the magical way in which he was batting.

So, it is the same problem with work and other things. In a significantly long period of time in my life, when I was quite into Kurt Vonnegut and some deep thinking, I had concluded that there was no meaning to anything in life because sooner or later it all means nothing anyway. In a small way, it happens so often that I feel so intensely about something which I recall later to be about nothing. Some people like to say that time softens the edges, I think time only helps you put things in perspective. Older you get - more perspective you get on all the silly things you were so desperate about.

So anyway, my problems have changed ever since I decided that attitude was not going to help me get through with life (although it might indeed have been true). Now, I know that things that I worry about dont really matter - i worry about them nonetheless. Often, it is not so much of a choice either. But, if I was right in the first place - and things dont really matter - I can definitely say that it was one knowledge I couldn't find how to make use of.

So anyway, there is also a profession dependent aspect to it, I guess. When, people say things like they have a reason in life to wake up from bed. Now what do I wake up from bed for - nothing really. Most of the seemingly important things I do in life are in the night. But anyways, thats just play of words and not really what the great people meant. They only meant that there is something that keeps them going.

Well, like I famously once said - life keeps pushing and I keep moving. The inertia has only been going up, and life finds it harder to move me from bed, couch, chair or anywhere I am sitting once I sit there. But ya, in summary it is hard to find a motive that one can be motivated enough about for the life. A lot of people do welfare work, I dont think I am going to fare very well in that even though I'd love to. Sorry, for stupid (but intentional) play of words again.

Learning hot to play tennis seems to be the new in-thing. Finding equally enthusiastic partners who have the time when I have it is hard. Lets see where that goes. Also a question about going around Europe. Last night I  found a way to cheaply travel across Europe. The key is to go on Ryan airway website and look for tickets from places to places - if u have the time. For instance, once u are in madrid, ticket to paris will cost upwards of 30 euros. However, u can go to Porto and then go to Paris for much cheaper - and see more places. But then I asked myself - why do I want to go around these places anyway. Just for taking pictures? I mean is it worth all the trouble. They all look pretty much the same - and they all look pretty much like the pictures people share anyway.

May 18, 2010

How much more than 10 is 21?

Well, the answer that I found out - the hard way - VERY! (yes in caps)

Refering to my post on resolution around the last time I was here writing something - one of them was to run atleast two half marathons. Ofcourse, it was towards the end of the last year and I was full of energy and enthusiasm fueled by the possibilities created by an idle mind in mid of a two week vaccation. Needless to be said, this enthusiasm can quite often portray slightly to very wrong image of the execution of future plans, especially for people who lack any discipline whatsoever.

Okay, so quickly to the main point of the post, while I was still suffering from the enthusiasm just described, I went ahead and registered for the Leiden Marathon (15 Euros). Then spent two whole days filling excel sheet with a detailed training plan, which did btw take into account exams and everything (this was when I was supposed to be doing an assignment of quite critical relevance to my work life at TU Delft). Then, the first day the snow had melted (it was still holidays), I was out there running to cross out the first entry on my training plan. Everything was just as per the plan (atleast till the first day of the plan). Well, then ofcourse, you know how this goes. I modified the plan in March (1 day), as I was yet to cross out more than two entries of the training plan (this time it was during the exams). So it went on. I did ocassionally run in April and May - but I had stopped looking up the excel by then.

Finally the d-day arrived, I was supposed to run my first half marathon. My training status - a 10k run 2 weeks ago - and a 3k training 2 days ago. I had run couple of 10k runs in Bangalore without much practice, and I said to myself - its okay I will manage the 21k somehow. To cut a long story short - half marathon is called a half marathon for some reason. I was alright upto 15-16k, little down on energy on 17k, dead on 18th. Some walking-running in the last few kms got me to the finish line in an embarrassing enough time.

Even so, I regret none of it. It was just plain awesome. Leiden was awesome, the organization was great and efficient, spectator support was fabulous, the route was beautiful and weather was great. Top it up with great refreshments at the end of the race - without which I was not going to make it any further after the finish line.

They gave everyone a medal saying "20e Leiden Marathon" and "21 km" - so it felt pretty nice. There aren't any prizes for guessing that I havent had many medals given to me in my plain old boring life. There were atleast six places where the cheering crowd included a band playing, there were great people who put out water, drinks, fruits and all from their own home out for runners. They had cute sponges shaped like a running man. There were kids all along the way asking for  side-fives (its a high five for the kids though).

Will I run it again - oh damn yes! Hopefully with more preparation next year. Will leave you with some pictures. What is not visible is my shoulder and knees that hurt for a day. Still worth it, yes!

This is me - nearly dead after the run

January 01, 2010

All ij not well, sir ji

Oh, yes this is an obvious reference to the now revered movie by our own Mr Khan, who has also in past given us unforgettable movies like Mangal Pandey, Ghajini, block buster Raja Hindustani and not to forget Mela.

I just watched the movie and I am surprised why it is Chetan Bhagat who is crying over the not being give credit and not SRK. To begin with the obvious - Narayan Shankar comes back as the head of a top engineering college and this time around with a sort of Einstienish look (No one ofcourse found what they ever taught in Gurukul), ofcourse since this was an adaptation - there were a few changes - unfortunately love was not the main theme, his son commits suicide here and not the daughter, there were fewer songs and sadly the only person who played any musical instrument commits suicide soon afterwards.

You could instantly relate to the movie this time around, especially if you have ever been in an engineering college. I still remember how my friend kept the picture of Salma Hayek in my wallet so keep me from committing suicide because of the results coming that week.

Well, Mohabattein was not the only SRK movie which Hirani happened to "take inspiration" from. The similarity between Madhvan's dialogue with his father and DDLJ was only a co-incidence - and so was "Ja Beta, Jee le apni zindagi", well give me a break. 

Coming back to Chetan Bhagat - I happened to write a long comment his blog where he had told his side of the story about how "they" cheated him etc. I guess I should have seen the movie before telling him how he should fight for his rights etc. This is what I would've written after seeing the movie:
"Dear CB, I am so relieved that saw 3-idiots and made yourself aware about how suicide attempts can really kill you if you are not the hero's best friend. And, I think you should be very glad that they put your name so far below that nobody could even find it."

Ok, there were good moments. Kareena proved that she could be act drunk far better than any of the guys, Sharman was good and was funny in whatever little bit of the movie he wasn't supposed to be crying, Madhavan did a great job of being invisible (only if he was not narrating the whole thing). Not to mention Rancho's amazing skills of creating a vaccum pump with an electronic digital display showing the pressure was outstanding and then delivering the baby! The baby coming to life on "All izz well" truly blew my heart away

Well, it is not because of any of the things I said above that I did not like the movie. I do not think they had enough grasp on the subject, neither they did have enough points to make - which is probably why they went up and down from Shimla to Laddakh to Manali to Laddakh through half the movie. Either I am from a different planet or there are really people taking promises from their friends that they wudnt commit suicide when results were out.

I am not sure why Rancho always topped the class - why he wrote so many great papers and was going to make such an important deal with whatever person. I am disappointed not because this was that bad a movie - but because it had the potential to be so much more! You can overlook a lot of stuff done to make it a commercial success, but a movie preaching revolution in education system cannot end with making the school teachers look like losers - all is definitely not well.

Among other things, I am also confused about all the changes in engineering college hostels. Do they take really a bath in engineering colleges now? In our days, we'd only hv time for a run (to the lecture hall) after we woke up, those of us who actually did.


December 26, 2009

New Beginning!

It has been a long time since I wrote anything longer than 200 characters last, anything except some lousy reports in office and lately at school. It is a nice time of the year though for beginnings and resolutions, with the new year approaching. I've never been a big fan of resolutions. I suck at any kind of resolutions at all - I've had my share of them. The most frequently ventured resolutions of all times of course have been those to do with next Mondays and gym and a combination of the two.

I was about to say "Anyway, thats not what I am talking about". I am used to saying that because I am more often off the topic than on it. But it would be wrong to say that, and you all understand.

Something happened today. I feel happy about something. I heard this hour long monologue from myself about what am I here to do, why and what I have gotten myself into. I realize that I have been using so much of my energy to keep my inherently lazy self enthusiastic about *things* in life that I am going to run out of it some day or the other. While that may be true, something else hit me right near the end of the whole hour which made me come and write this.

I am so scared about the snow going away. There was so much snow out there for the last week - it's all almost gone. Although I know I am never going to get myself out there to play with it. But just the thought of the snow being outside - ready for me to play with whenever I want - was good enough. The rains came and the sun came and the snow is going away now. And I am only left with the hope that it snows again next year.

When I was coming to Delft, I had promised myself that this was going to be a vacation. It turned out to be everything else. However, I am going to try to do a few of those things I promised myself. And so, for the first time in a long time, probably ever, I am going to put down a list of things I want me to do the next year:

1. Run : Morning/Evening don't really care - get out there. Run atleast two half marathons.

2. Write : I know u like to, but are too scared that no one will read it. Well, dont u worry I will read and like bits and pieces of it too. I still read the old one sometimes.

3. Cycle: Get your cycle in shape and cycle to some decent destination (I know it may be asking for too much, but try)
5. Read : Yes! Its been months. Start with a good book as soon as you can.

6. Watch movies : Funny and Good movies. (I've got to give myself something, right)

8. Reply to any email adressed to you within 30 minutes.

9. Breathe a bit: No, breathing in what u just let out an hour ago - is not breathing. (yes, it is similar to eating)
10. Come and tell me how you did!

It may seem that I am being too easy on myself, but trust me I am not. It is not the things that I don't like that I am afraid of doing. It is never doing things I like that scares me, and with good reason.

Merry Christmas and have a Great Year ahead! I sure am going to, if end up doing my list!

October 08, 2008

So Hows life

So, How is life people!

Been trying to prepare for GRE for last like 3-4 weeks. Not that I spent a lot of time preparing, but I did spend a lot of time preparing to prepare, by taking that one last nap before I study and by playing that one last game of FIFA before I get back and not touch it before October the 13th. Ya thats the date, not a friday so dont worry

This is not about GRE or preparation for GRE, this is something else. I have been living a good life for last one year or so, I am doing a job that I like doing, I am having a good personal life and all, I am talking to a lot of people, so it is not like the 6-7 months that I was interning in TI where I was basically communicating to two people and a phone and a wall.

So what is it about, life is good: no guitar ( I realize that it needs far more too much commitment that I am willing to offer, or it needs a good teacher which I am unwilling to spend time/money on because I wanted to be a self-learnt kind of shit), no writing (work keeping me too busy for any kind of writing, I am supposed to write atleast 3-4 long documents which document my work so effectively nothing else), no music (Its only once in a while I realize how long it has been since I used my headphones and then I get to it for a few hours), no running (not since the Bangalore 10k last december), no cooking (its too much effort, and Gunjan loves it, so he cooks most of the time we are not eating out, occasional bread and egg, if that qualifies as cooking), no reading (nothing, except work, no reading, I don't know why)

What else is there? No going out of town (I wish to, so much to get the heck out of here on the bike, preferably), No reading Astrix and obelix in crossword (They used to be very costly to buy, so I used to be at crosswords whole day, sometimes, and read them there: avg speed 1hr per copy)

Ok. the reason I write this blog is not to talk about whatever I have talked about till now. It is something else. One day, about 4-5 years ago, someone told me in a way of analyzing one's personality that I am very image concious. Now, being the way that I am, I want to be too complex for people to understand. Not that I put in any effort in that, but it simply works out. Anybody you see around is too complex for anybody to understand "completely". Thats simply because when u try to analyze a person, you tend to simplify things, and thereby losing out important information which becomes exception. This is true for any study, scientific or otherwise.
So what about that comment. I think it is true. The only way I think is by thinking about what others think of me. Now, this "others" is not everybody. It is people who think should think good about me. It is not people who I know are with me. I do not, in my actions, consider what people who KNOW me think about me. So that would be family and her and one or two friends who have ideas of me fixed to their mind which is very hard for any of my actions to change. So, it is not them, but everybody else.
That also, may be a simplification of sorts, and I know that there are a lot of people, a whole lot of people who think in a similar way. But the question really is, is there anyway to break free from this? When I started to think about typical ways to breakfree like going off to unknown places, I think about what those people would react to my breaking free.

This is all ok. But the biggest problem is that there are not many, in these 'others' who really care about me or what happens to me. They know me today, and used to know me 5 days later. So, it is such a waste of time to be thinking about what these guys think.

Well, it is complicated.

April 17, 2008

Waynad Trip - I

I should have posted this sometime ago, but its never really too late. So here I present to you my version of the my office Waynad Trip. For all those who still have the same level of knowledge about the place called Wayad as I had about a month back, this is a place in Kerala. No back waters there, its in North kerala and mainly a hill station kind of a pace near Calicut. So why is a Boring, Office trip to a relatively unknown land worth coming up on the blog, u got to read to really find out.

2 April, Wednesday

The best thing about the trip before the trip began was that the trip was going to be on weekdays! So no weekends getting wasted in some crap team building. The problem is that I didnt really know so many people who were going. And there were many (23 to be exact) of varying shapes and sizes and covering a range of expected expiry dates, if you know what I mean. Anyway, lets not get into all those morose details, we will fast forward to the bus journey. The first good surprise was the bus. It was with AC and TV and Video. The first bad surprise would come in night, when we realize what AC Bus without a blanket could mean at night. We played 'Jab We Met' loudly on the video before everyone was allowed to sleep, thanks to a large shout to prevent a requested screening of the blockbuster 'Race'. It must really have busted some blocks. Crap! Thanks whoever it was who prevented the screening.

3rd April Thursday

We woke up to find ourselves frozen in middle of tea-estates. And we were told we had reached the resort where we were going to live for the next day and a half. It took a 20 min, good old Jeep ride, to wake us up completely and also make us reach the resort (which was on a hill) from the main road. After we reached it was already around 6:30 and we were issued with orders from the top management to be for the breakfast in about an hour. Ofcourse, people explored the beds, played cricket, tried their hands at some crazy complicated controls for showers and waited for others before everybody came down to the breakfast area by about 9 or was it 9.30
The funny thing about waiting for people in a group is that almost everybody ends up waiting for atleast somebody. And almost everybody has someone to shout at ;) [if that is in the rules, of course].

So whatever, we reached the place from where we were to start the treck at about 10:30 and when we started the trek, I knew what this was going to be. Another usual walk around the trees (tea estate in this case) which people believe to be treks. Good treks are all in Garhwal and all. So the walk around the tea estate started off on a decent note with some of the people dropping out. But suddenly the guide broke through the estate and started going the elavated way. What! This was not what I expected. Anyway, it should not last too long. So we kept on climbing for sometime. And we knew this wasnt going to be easy. Should have gone to the gym more often.

This is an old post which I stopped writing to come back and finish. But never got around to finishing. What happened was that the peaks kept coming one after the other. And at one time you could only see one peak. It was funny and frustrating at the same time. And it felt like a great achievement when we actually reached the top. I will upload the pics once. It was great picture wise too :)

March 27, 2008

Of Paint and poster

There are paints, there are papers, there are brushes and there are posters.

Some make paints, some papers, some grow trees for papers, some cut wood for brushes, some make posters and a lot of others do a lot other things
Some make sure that the posters are made and Some others sell those posters.

March 22, 2008

What turns things on and off

A lot of times it is hard to see why something are right and others not so. Why something that you see to be complete and perfectly true, is opposed by people who think completely opposite. I was reading a roommate's story recently (he plans to publish a book sometime, and I think he should), he used a very interesting phrase, "asymmetry in relationships". I know this has nothing to do with the first two lines of this text, but somewhere there is a relationship. one side is asymmetry is a very frustrating thing. And second is that the first two lines of this text start to hold good for all that stands when the assymetry comes into picture.

March 10, 2008

COming out of Hibernation

When asked why he would like to go to the moon, Niel Armstrong replied "it will be a small step for a man, but a great leap for the mankind". When asked if he would ever like to go to Mars too, he said, if mankind takes too many leaps, it'll be tired too soon. The best way to loose fat is to run at a slower pace for longer time. (Yes, am finally going to gym in morning more or less regularly). And mankind needs to loose the weight of all the people and ideas that people have, crap that people have built, loads of fats to loose. So he said, he didn't really want to go to Mars. Asked if he was sure, mankind with all that fat be able to take the leap when he takes that step on moon, He said with his good old grin, No I am not really sure, but I hope so. I am doing so much as to take small step, cant mankind just get up and take a leap, once in a while, I am even ready to sacrifice going to Mars, if the mankind leaps just once.

There were many questions in our interviewers mind, but Armstrong was very strong on his arms and he was in a hurry, so the interview could not really go on very long.

The rest is history, he used the same line when he took the step. unfortunately mankind was too unkind to take even a small step with him, forget the leaps. If there was any leap at all, it was the hearts of armstrong and his kind which were leaping heaps and bounds. Mankind is still sitting hard growing fatter everyday.

There is a lot to be said about such things, but I would only say that Armstrong and his strong arm were sorry that they did not let our interviewer ask some more questions, as he might've had more lines to deliver.

But then there is no point complaining after its all happened. Am working these days, in bits and pieces, very small bits and very small pieces. For ex. today morning I come to office at 8.45, in gym till 10.10, selecting songs for the gym CD that I am planning to make till 12.20, opened some sites and lunch followed by TT till 2.30, and that followed by the suggestion of looking for some free download for FIFA 08, and some more songs for the gym CD, and finally at 5.30 start something on that verilog thing, I am supposed to be doing for last 3 weeks or something. At 6.05 I feel like opening orkut, and then blogger, and its 6.30 now!!!
In few minutes, my dear colleague would come to ask me to come for snacks, and I would gladly oblige, and then by 7, I would come back and 8/8.30 I would leave. Will reach home arnd 9.00. Being out of home for abt 13 hours, in office premise for abt 12 hours! And this is some great amount of work!
its not as if it is an off day today, its been like this for sometime, quite sometime.

Anyway, my friends celebrated my birthday, on my birthday. Celebrated 2-3 birthdays since, and called few people last week, two of them had their birthday. One recieved my call, other couldnt.

Life is long and not that bad. Not that great either. As long as there are movies like JA coming along, life's definitely not great, not at all. Thank God that movies aint like songs which can be played on radios and stuff like that in public places, otherwise some of these movies would kill you if they are played as frequently as Radio Mirchi played Doorie when the album was first released. I used to like the song then.

I will post the list of songs on the CD that I am currently making for gym. I dun have a huge collection to pick from is one problem. I hope it turns out good as this is one project I have started on my own in a long time.

Was stuck in a traffic one day, and there was a truck in front of me, and it moved abt 10 inches, and it made way for my bike and millions of bike behind me to move atleast 50 m. I was reminded of Mr Armstrong.

Our interviewer GJ, had some more questions which he found the answers to himself. He was seriously confused abt how a small step for a man can be giant leap for the mankind. He came up with many explainations, the best by far was a man stepping into a pothole, which went through the earth and he falling and falling for a long time, and when he came out of the other side, mankind had taken a giant leap. Only doubt in his mind was about how Mr Armstrong was going to find such a pot hole to fall through. There were other explanations on his mind with something to do with a man and his horse and horse shit and all.

Currently Playing my gym playlist, does it look like I am too fascinated with the idea of this CD? Well maybe, who knows. who knows anything anyway.

January 04, 2008

Keep them on

I have long been thinking about writing here. i have even longer been thinking about writing this story. Well lets have it done with.


There was this guy, he wasn't really crazy about bikes or anything. He wasn't usually crazy for many things at all. Sometimes he even missed not being crazy for things, but that is not what is important to the story, so we'll let it go.

So he wasn't really crazy about bikes, but it was long since he wanted to have one. He wasn't really impulsive and so didnt just jump into doing what he wanted to. He was the type who gave unusually long thought to most things, and would end up doing whatever the first thought was.

He had a problem with the bike thing though, he didnt ever like the helmets. It was better earlier, he would think, people weren't forced to save their lives. He figured that it was probably a PITA for the people who then had to handle the deadbodies and all, but then, they would still have to handle living bodies after the accidents. Why the hell do people care so much about others lives. Anyways, now since he cared about his wallet and its contents, he wore the helmets whenever he went out on a borowed bike.

So then after the long thought about getting or not getting a bike was over, the decision was the first thought which had hit him about six months ago 'I should get a bike'. He decided to do that. He talked with a lot of people about which one and technical aspects. He compared things which he did not know full-forms of. Numbers were enough. Higher would usually be better.

He was still pissed with the helmet rule, and now that he would be using a bike more often, it meant more of headache. But then he had to get one. And he got one.

So then how the drama would have it. He bought the bike, and the helmet and some other accessories which he did not know existed, before getting into conversation with the dealer. And he was on his way back home. Happy he was. Satisfied smile on his face. The handles turned out to not be as comfortable for the 2 hour ride home, as he had felt on 5 minutes test ride. But its ok, he would get used to it. His friend's bike didn't even have a very comfortable seat. He chose his helmet well. How must he be looking riding the sexy bike. The bike has the best in class looks. He would buy the sweets from shop at the end of the row and who would be the first person to ride behind him. He knew, he would not love it if others asked for his bike too often. He wouldnt be able to refuse. But its ok. He would take care of the bike. The bike will be the most well maintained one in his circle. Four years later his friends saying 'man, this is some bike after all this time'. HORNNNN, THUDDD, and next thing he heard was people shouting 'Oye' in quick sucession. He didn't anything much after that.

He opened his eyes, and suddenly he felt his head light, and looked for his helmet. Then he started recalling the series of events. A person in white, doctor, talking to his father. He couldn't hear very clearly. "He's lucky..........save ...... hand .......hurt....... walk.....life ..... 15 days....... helmet .......... life ......... bike is..... lucky ..... helmet"

Camera zoom-out, doctor talking to his father replayed in third person: "He's lucky to have survived. We could not save his hands and one of his feet. He has injuries on spine because of which he would not be able to sit up, stand or walk for life. We would keep him in observation for 15 days. His condition is still very critical. But we are hopeful that he will live. Helmet saved his life. The bike itself is in such a horrible condition. He is lucky to have survived because of wearing the helmet."

Its been 5 years now. They dont come to visit very often. People have their work to handle. And his treatment and therapy have to be paid for. The nurse was feeding him the soup and the soup flowed out of his mouth on both sides. He could still not eat solid food. The nurse was feeding him because he could still not sit up. He would stare at the cieling. It was still difficult to turn his head. His sister found it too much hardwork to stand in such way that her face obstructed the view of the cieling. He had asked her to do that, partly because he wanted to see her face, and partly because he was bored of the view. He could speak. And he would talk to the nurse often, since it had been about 8 months since he talked to anybody else. His mother used to come and he used to hear her cry. Then she stopped coming. He used to talk to the nurse about his mother, and his girlfriend, and how he had bought his bike. And about how lucky he was to have been wearing the helmet. He was alive. Or so had the doctor said.

December 13, 2007

Where shall we lie then, when its all done

The primary question still stands, what in the hell are we doing here. Is there something that we really want to do or are we just playing and acting all the time. What the fuck is wrong with me. WHy am I running behind things that I so much know matter nothing better than nothing. Why do people cease to exist. Does it really matter to anyone what we do, May be it does. May be its all big bullshit.

I believe if we all believe in science we should all quickly turn Buddha's way of renunciation, give it all up. What the hell, if we are all nothing but sweet random coincidences, then thats the way to go. What the hell did Buddha think he was doing when he gathered people to tell them what the path to life was. Was he anything like really enlightened or was he simply putting everyone who listened into the same path to finally realize that there is nothing to be known. Or may be better, he just thought that his life time wasn't enuf to make the Gods tell us the truth, so he set thousand others to get something out of God. Did anyone here see the Halo!!

Life is a continous kind of process. Tons of things we think really matter, matter none. Tons of other things we dont think matter, matter none too. And another ton of things which we are confucsed about, may really matter none too. Why do we punish ourselves caring about things that practically and logically dont matter. If nothing really matters, then what on earth do we do while we are on earth. While I write this, I think back to the bike I have recently fallen in love with. And all the logics in my head seem to be in favour of the desire to get it. So when I say, it doesn't really matter, it doesnt matter if I get the bike or not. But when I say nothing really matters then what should I be doing around here. I believe that its ok. Nothing else matters too much, so while you are here, do whatever u want to and its ok. Yes, whatever you want to. Its ok. Moral stuff is biggest BS. Jails and stuff are bigger BS. Ya probably not, we are leaving relatively peacefully because of jails, but are we? We cant really answer that question without really closing the jails.

But morals and all are BS. AIDS is real. you got to take care, if you dun want to close down the vaccation around here. If you think you didnt really choose the right travel and tours company for this vaccation, you can try AIDS, or there are tons of other ways, I need no mention them just here.

Wonder about what you are doing. Wonder again, why. Wonder again what do you think is the cause of the answer of your why. And try to peel the skins of the onions. You may really get some insight. Probably thas what Buddha did.

If you do, do let me know. Till then shall we wonder about where shall we lie, when its all done. I think the answer is 'in the next room'.

November 05, 2007

Sunlight puzzle

Sunlight falls on this page of my book,
From a slit in the curtain from the window,
I turn the page, the sunlight follows,
It falls on the next one too,
I close the curtain shut tight.

Is this even remotely what you call a poem?
What in the hell is poetry?

Two things

Two things struck me today. I'll go in reverse cronological order.

We have this training thing going on in full swing in Mindtree. Now that this is essentially the fourth week started, it is getting way too much, but so is life. And I end up answering most of the questions depending upon the need to raise hand and so on. So we had this session on Lateral thinking where the person talking was mainly concerned about our inability to think at all, rather than going into lateral thinking at all.

What struck me was that all this life I was thinking about having a Ctrl-Z in life where you could undo so many things that I guess many of us want to. But during a certain discussion about pressing a rewind button, I thought thats not what I want at all. I would be once again deciding amongst choices that I have no idea which one to choose. I think, now, that I would rather prefer a look-ahead button in life. Like those crazy softwares for chess have. If I move this, what is the logical sequence and so on.

But I think we do have that, we have that in form of some experienced people, or our own ability to think about the consequences. Then probably, we also have the idea of depth in those chess software, how many moves deep can you go. I have been living large parts of my life like a chess software, however, due to the lack of depth or experience, there have been troubles at all times.

We also had a algo session sometime back. And I was thinking that I simply cant apply a backtracking algorithm, which is best option if you do not have look ahead stuff. So probably the best way to go about this thing would be greedy algorithm, which for a layman, like me, means that you choose the best option available at every step.

The second thing which struck me was the radio playing in the office bus (which is a tempo traveller, incedentally, and very pretty one for that). If I was given a computer with all the songs and the mouse and 20 minutes for music. I would want to listen to so many songs that all I would be doing will be juggling sons every twenty seconds, or lesser. But I was listening helplessly to the radio, and it was infact playing good songs, really good for that matter, except the advertisement breaks. And I wondered if that was a better way to go about it. Forget the ipod and get myself a good radio? And life??

November 02, 2007

I thought i wouldn't miss it all too much

I really thought I wouldnt miss college too much, and I didnt miss it for a long time. All the time I have been in Bangalore (about 10 months)

When I first went to a boarding school (class 8th), I never missed my home for the first three years. Not that i liked my school too much, but there wasn't too much to miss, except ofcourse that home was a place you could lie down and not do anything for months. It was only after class 10th probably that I started to miss home and people at home. Somehow, things became more real than they were in earlier.

When I came to college, I never for once missed school. And I don't really miss it all too much even now.

And I thought same pattern would follow for college too. But sadly that doesn't look like the case. Everything was fine till now, but just looking at this damn photo gallery on the college website, makes me damn nervous and sad. Bloody hell. I dont know what it was. I can not really quantify. I guess I really miss some time spent and I would really give things up to go back.

Thats only something we say I guess. Given the chance that I leave my work to go to college. Probably not. The last time I went back to college, i remember feeling so much out of place. I guess its only the memories that you can keep. Or atleast is the case with me. Unless one gives me back my room, and the other rooms I was more frequently found in and the people in there, I dont think there is a lot to go back to. I know I am nostalgic about the buildings and stuff too. But I know the relationships which I cherish in my nostalgia do not exsist so much anymore. I guess I dont even know too many people there. I never did know too many. But I guess the count has reduced even further.

I'll just sign off with a few pics, probably for the first time on this blog.

Foodcorts and labs, where probably I spent most of my college life.

October 31, 2007

There is a lot to say

There is a lot to say about a lot of things that are happening to and around me. I somehow feel uninterested in writing abt the coolest things around me or the office or things like that. I always switch to autobiographical mode whenever I start writing a blog.

Anyway, I guess, we'll just have to bear with this for the time being. In the last few months, I have been tested to limits of my patience and I have found the limits to be extended. I conclude that when faced with helplessness, somehow the PQ (Patience quotient) increases itself.

I think I understand the way people work. I only think I do, because I really have no idea how I, myself, work. But that is also partly coz, I still havent stopped thinking myself to be special in someway. I know I should have done that long back.

I was talking to so many people at once, and there were so many turbulances, that suddenly, I started to stop speaking. There was nothing I could say to anyway, except repeat myself. And questions irritate me, coz the person knows the answer as well as I do, that if there was something worth telling, I would have said myself.

But then probably thats how we work. When trying to fish out something to talk about, the question comes back to 'aur batao kya chal raha hai' and I took to the response, that if you knew what I was doing 6 months back, nothing much has changed.

Well things have changed recently, and I am in a new company and all. Whats up in future, is not known yet. The uncertainities of the present need the vision for the future to be solved. But I wish I could solve the vision problem by arbitrarily choosing from the uncertainities of present. I dun know if that is possible.

Well, then life goes on. I laugh at questions that I have no answer to, coz i somehow believe that they will answer themselves in future. But I also understand that it may not be. That somehow, i would have to answer those.
But would the answer i choose really matter?
Wudnt life keep going with its goods and bads, as it is.
We will really have to wait and watch. All of us make spectacular spectators, and spectacular action at the same time. And we'll all be looking at what happened in the life of people who chose certain things and all. Will we come to the same conclusion as the donkey named Benjamin (Animal Farm)? And if we do, will we have the courage to say it.

September 05, 2007

Long time it has been

It has been a long time, really long. And I didnt miss not blogging (and not many people missed me not blogging too :) thats and advantage)

Anyways, so I have been busy, Real busy. Not so much actually, there wasnt much that there was to write anyway. So it just went on. THere isn't much to write even now. I am standing somewhere around middle of the road, waiting for things to stabilize, There is a red signal, of course. But it is still a lil way away, So I am waiting for any gaps in the traffic which can let me get to one of the sides of the road. Either forward or backward. It doesnot matter so much. Standing here doesnot matter too much either, just that it is easier to watch the traffic going back from the side of the road than here.

But I know some roads are busier than this one and people standing almost as if waiting to get killed, but yes, they'll all get to a side, sooner or later. If nothing else works out, there is the red light anyway.

i am not trying to be cryptic or anything. But I dun really have much to say, except what is happening.

i have been writing more of mails than anything else these days, and I've been talking a lot on phone. Two things have changed since I came to bangalore, one that I talk much more on phone now, than I did earlier, and second that I remember roads and directions. It was not so easy to do that earlier, now I can do that much more easily.

Some time some other time, I've some stories in mind, but I've told them to people and I feel stale about them, so wouldnt probably say them here.
Some other time.
Did I say that I've understood what doors were about. I always wondered what was so special abt the damn gang, but I understood something sometime back
I was reading the stranger', albert Camaus. Not complete yet, it makes me want to learn french to read the original version.
Some other time, now, I havent got much to say today

June 28, 2007

June 22, 2007

Back to school

I've suspected this for long, but recently I think its finally happening.
I am cracking up.

Many years ago, I remember seeing from the third person a scene where I was in a rikshaw, being pushed to go to school. And I didn't want to, and I just didn't want to. And I cried, and I cried that I don't want to. Pat came reply, only that usually pats come by on your back, this one was on your face. Yes, Papa. Not that he is a bad guy, but just that the extent of my enlightenment at that age, probably didn't work with him. I knew right then, although I didn't, but it seems good to put it like this, I knew right then that all the school college and office is all crap stuff where so many people are wasting there time.

Then there were more horrible times, having to go back to school after vaccations, is one of the most brutal punishments ever enforced on human kind. but we were strong then, as kids. We took all that brutality with the enthusiasm that comes with the smell of new books or the smell of rain and soil and the smell of a new class room, probably new classmates, and thought I didn't really think this way then, probably a new girl.

Just some days back, my internship in the company I am working in, was extended. And there was a weekend in between after which I had to rejoin. And I spent my sunday, feeling terribly like the last day of vaccation, although there has been none in past 5 months or so. and it was right there, I felt like I was going back to school. Just like that I had when going to school after a vaccation. There was a feeling of brutal injustic, and my mind was working hard at finding enthusiasm out of things. No new books, no new covers or shoes or dress, no new class mates, but well only the smell of rain. And I think this rain makes it all so much seem like that. Just like that smell of rain.

And then today was the worst. I was on the bus to office, just the way I was on a rikshaw to school, and I felt this terrible terrible thing. The injustice was right there in front of me, I was refusing to see it. I want to cry out. I dont want to go. I really dont want to go. But I didn't cry this time. There wasn't anybody to slap me if I cried, so I didn't cry. I just slapped myself with the thought, I am finally cracking up. Crazy is what one would call.

But just at the moment. Everything is absolutely like school used to be, absolutely. And I knew it then, as good as I know now, its all a lot of crap. So you see, I was really off age too early.

May 30, 2007

What is more important?

A lot of times i wonder, what is more important, I guess I should wonder, I guess thats what people mean when they talk about setting priorities and all. But most of all I think, what is the most important thing? I dun really think about this many times, but when I do think, I don't like the idea that I do not really have an answer.

Four years ago, I was thought to be a piece of yes, shit, generally. Except probably my mom and all, who well, in any case will never think anything else. She even likes me singing. Five years before that, I was a brialliant kid who had just cleared an India level competitive exam to get into my new school which selected some 25 students in India and all. No they were not the 25 brightest kids in India, I can tell you that. Some of them are really good, I can tell you that too. Very few others though are like me.

So about nine years after I left my home for school, I find myself in this office. Last four years were dream come true in terms of success and all. Yes they had there parts of boring and interesting things, but over all when I look back, it was a good time to be in.

Now though, it has gone the full circle it seems, but I still have the confidence sometimes, it is loosing grip though, that I can do anything. Probably I too am going to be shut down in the office building with the crap life, that I see all around. I really wanted to break it through. I think I can, but I dont think so much these days. I am bored to death.

I am in an office, I dont want to be for very long. If they decide to take me in permanent basis, I'll have abt double the money in my pocket, but I really dun thnk i want to be here for long, Its not the work, not the people. I just don't feel i can belog here. I know stuff like that sometimes, or atleast I like to think I know. Like I knew it when i went to college that this was the place for me. The coolest place I could be in. I really didn't think I could ever belong to IIT, and I didn't want to after I went to that place (and no, grapes aint sour at all this time around).

So thats whole load of crap I know it doesn't make much sense. But before I sign off, I'll leave you with this:
These are my people, doing what they want to do, a gaurantee for satisfaction for life that they did what they thought they could do. The concept is really interesting, have a look at their site, I'll write more about this in the next post, if I don't forget.

I like their tag line most :

TEMPOSTAND - park your music here

I dun know who claims the naming of this startup, but it sure is snappy, if that is the right word. They've released an album recently, no they are not a band, they are an online music company of sorts. Take a look http://www.tempostand.com/

May 25, 2007

Book Reviews (of sorts)

Well, yes, i've been keeping busy. Lately I thought I would always have something to do when I have nothing to do which can be called work. And well, as it happens, I dun know if it is office or it is just something inside me, I have stopped thinking most of times. I dun want to think. It is a depressing thing to happen if u could look at it from the first-person perspective. And infact one day I actually thought I was depressed. But well, the boreness of things just doesn't let it happen, keeps reminding me, it doesn't matter.

have had quite a few arguements with friends abt this one. But I still think, at some level nothing really matters. It doesn't matter so much if u die a great scientist or a great priest or a small beggar on the street where the scientist lived. But death is a great leveller, it also doesn't matter so much if I did something which was to change the things around the world, life will continue to be as pathetic as it has always been, ever since eve and adam ate that stupid apple.

Its not me who says so, it is the old Benjamin who thinks so too. Yes I am talking about animal farm, after the rave reviews I got of the book, there was no doubt in my mind this is going to be my book. It just so happened that it wasn't. But well, it doesn't matter so much, as the wise donkey would say. All u need to do is to look at the bigger picture, the wider spectrum, so the donkey said, I have been here before any of you was born and will be here long after you, and life will continue to be as bad as it was. Benjamin being one rare high point in the book, the book, I found quite predictable and that takes away half the fun of the book for me. No spoilers here, but I think it needs to be read once atleast, there are many other things in the book which are good and some others which are great. I was in love with the horse, Boxer. 'If napolean says it, it must be correct' And 'I will work harder'.

But I said I've been busy, and yes, at one time I was reading about 5-6 books. I finished three by the end. The second one being utterly depressing 'angels and deamons'. I will not be able to completely express my feelings because of the utter deepness of those, but wtf does this dan brown guy think? And well, if u've read the da-vince code, which by default u must have since u r reading this post which is in english, you will already have pretty good idea about this book too. But I am really not in mood of spending any more time abt this book, except saying, if u have anything else that you can do, even if that is watching star plus 9 PM stuff, I'd say do that. Its pretty much similar stuff.

Anyways, the main point of writing the post was the Peter Pan. This is single most fascinating stuff I've read in a long time, since Cat's cradle I guess. Absolutely fantastic. Yes, u may call it some kids stuff. But the book is something. And I like the author's style of telling the story. The story moved like a picture in front of you. The subtle stuff is really put in a subtle way. Don't we want to be kids forever, dont we have no choice but to grow up. Didn't our parents want the same.
Finding Neverland was a deserved tribute to the author. A great movie for the author of great book. I am not going to read some more of this guy called Peter Pan in Kinsington Garden, not expecting as good stuff here, but want to give it a try.

I'll leave you with this, I could have said some more abt other books that I am reading. Including the House of Mr Biswas which I have been reading for some time now (If u have seen a really slow reader, divide his speed by two, makes my speed). And it is a real good read after the initial depressing stuff. I mean after Mr. Biswas starts to grow up, it is a real cool book.
Freakonomics, is good in parts ofcourse, as I may have pointed out earlier, the authors are a lil obsessed with themselves. And the Palm Sunday book that I bought after Vonneguts's death is still has only a 100 pages read.

May 23, 2007

Thank an electron

And so it goes.

A month and a few days.

Nothing that one does. Nothing that one doesn't do.

When time has passed, there is nothing that one can do.

And there is nothing that I really want to do about it.

Today I will tell you a story. No I haven't thought which story I wud tell, but I felt like saying that I will tell you a story and so I said that I will tell you a story.

Do you know how many electrons are there in this world? Well probably that is a tough question. So lets ask this, TI says thank an engineer. There are posters all over saying thank an engineer for whatever you have is because of an engineer. Yes, thats basically because this is a engineering company and so is bound to say such things. Just like a hospital, if they decided to say something like that would say thank a doctor. But well, whats going on in the mind of a manager in this engineering company? Thank a manager probably, after all they are the ones pushing the engineers to get to work. As Prof biswas would say 'engineers are lazy'. Yes they are. And the intelligent ones have a lot of value associated with their laziness too. Intelligent engineer is basically an engineer who thinks he is intelligent or is intelligent enough to make people feel that he is intelligent.

So, well that was not the point. The point was something else, which I forgot. Yes, so what goes in the mind of a manager. He is the one running the show. Engineers, and there are tons of them all around are just pieces on the chessboard. Some pawns some queens some others somewhere in between. But pieces all the same. Who is playing the game then.

Thank an Engineer.
Thank a Manager.
Thank a Teacher? - somebody who taught?
Thank a Parent - without a parent we would all be basically some evaporated stuff. THank a mother.
Thank a Sweeper. who motivates us to work.

Thank an electron.
does that sound something familiar. We always forget that we walk with our legs and that there are things without which we would not be so happy before giving all the credit of life to the brain. We always forget that construction site with tons of workers but yes thank an architect.
Electrons are the most hardworking things on earth and they are all working day and night for us, and well, do we ever think about their sacrifices?
An electron leaves his parent nucleas and goes randomly runnin around all the time, from here to there for doing simple things which translate into our aTV working and we say, thanks to steven spielberg for the movie, where would you see the movie even if spielberg made it?
Thats something to think about.
Was I going to tell a story. Yes I was, but not really in a mood. some other time may be. some place else.

April 12, 2007

Looking for a JOB

Objective: To work in a brain friendly environment which offers peace to the brain by not troubling him much, and pays enough for food, house and a bike may be, and an ipod and some money to buy some songs and books.

No jokes, I am really looking for a job, but for people like me it takes a lot of work to try to get a job. First thing, I'll have to write up a resume, Zeroeth thing, I'll have to look online for 'HOW TO WRITE A RESUME' and then do the first thing. And then re-write it because some other site may suggest something else for resume. If I get through all of this, I got to then apply into different job-sites or in the individual sites of the company which, according to my past experience, write back 'We will inform you about any openings suiting your profile'.

Its not their fault at all, its just that my profile doesn't resemble anything like you'd want to hire. Forget the profile, even if you knew me really through, and wanted to hire me at any cost, you'd find yourself at loss of reasons for hiring.

But anyway, if you'd have known me really and wanted to hire me because it'd do me good, i wouldn't wanna take it basicaly because, I like to think that I wouldn't want to get things easy. So that leaves us with the harder way. And the harder way of writing up a resume after looking for 'how to write a resume, and then looking for sites to upload that shit, it has till now proved too stressful a job to be done by me.

But well, nobody gets anything easy right! So i think so too. But still I just like to think, I'll not be stuck in a cubicle doing some-shit which does not give me nething except money and lot of frustration. And so probably a job in google or something would do. I don't know for how long, but it'll do for now.

If also, you happen to be some person frm record industry, and have an opening for a music listner, I am not too good at it, but i like to do it. So you can contact me. and I'll send you my resume.

I'd like it best if u were from some publishing house, and wanted me to read books for you before you pub,ish them and all, yeah i;d do that, provided the books that ur author people write are not too boring.

Otherwise you could be from a KG school, I'd like to work for you. I know ABCD and all very well. and numbers too. But jus tmake sure that u pay me enough, which something tells me you don't

So thats why I am stuck here. Some people want to take me, I don't want to go, others don't want to take me, I am not sure I'll stay with them for long. Some others have jobs (like the last one) which do complete justice to my profile, but they pay too low.

One day long time back, my school principle asked me, what have you excelled in: I didnt say nething, coz there was no answer, or there was one NOTHING. so it goes on.
But what is it all about. I can keep writing anything I want, if people want to read this stuff, but they usually don't. Sometimes they do, othertimes I am jobless. And neway, its easy to write nething u wanted to write when life's just been being good to you.

I am writing all this crap, for no particular reason. I'll try to be more organized next time, probably that will make a more interesting read. If I can be. its hard you know. i m lazy. and i m slow.

But you know what 'Stacy's Mom, has got it going on'

April 03, 2007

The Earth and all

...giving an extra shuffle to an already well-shuffled pack of cards. You know it will change your luck, but you don't whether for better or worse. - James Glieck in CHAOS: Making a New Science

Long long time before this time, there was an earth, a moon, a sun. And there were others who we don't bother about much. The earth used to be hot, very hot. Then it had something to do with the little molecule and all. But we will not bother about those either. The lead role of this story is being played by Earth. Sun is suspected to be the father of earth, I mean that's what we think happened, that Sun wanted to have 9 kids or something, and so it dropped 9 small pieces and they became his kids, who kept bothering him for a long time, going round and round him asking for money and all. Its a little strange, I mean, who wants kids like those, and who gets kids like this, by dropping parts of himself. But that is what we believe happened. (The exact number of kids are still not known, there are rumours sometimes that sun has other kids, which nobody is sure of as of now, but well, let's leave him alone, sun would be the last thing I would want to gossip about)

So the Earth, like i said before, was very hot. And sun, did not want his kids to be as hot-tempered as he was. (Its common with almost all parents that they don't want their kids to do things that they think they did wrong, but they all know nothing about James Glieck and Chaos and shuffled pack of cards and all). So basically sun wanted Earth to be a good boy, he took help of certain little molecules to do that. Those molecules didn't know what they were doing though.

Anyway, what happened, in all of this was that, Earth became all blue. all blue. And then suddenly strange things started happening. Earth started getting some fungal infections. It was green colour kind of thing. Very strange. So when these strange things started happening, Earth asked Sun for help. Sun was confused, he had sent the little molecules to cool earth down, but well, he didnt ever expect it turn out this way (I told you, shuffling a shuffled pack of cards...).

In the meantime, the green thing was spreading over earth's body which was not covered by water (How water came, is another story already told). Sun thought, probably, if he heated earth up, these fungii will go off. So he did, when he did, he ended up drying up more water, and all the fungii got even more place to spread. (Remember, shuffled pack of cards). So, what could he do. Sun was help-less. Infact, it was later learnt that these fungii used sun's light to cook food for themselves. Earth asked help from her brothers and sisters, they had no clue either.

To Sun's rescue came the STAR broadcaster (Ok, this is not the TV that you see, they have copied the name though, the purpose was similar, it was the source of entertainment(!) and mis-information for the stars), that there was one way. It showed the progress of technology in the galaxy. And it was great. Sun didn't like it earlier but a close friend told him about it and only then did he discover that this was a known problem. There were shampoos available which released agents all over the body. The agents then took care of themselves and slowly got rid of the fungii. Sun suggested Earth to use these. There were many brands available. All of them worked on a similar concept. The shampoo was applied, and it released very tiny agents on the body which grew and slowly took care of the fungal infection. The agents grew in different shapes and sizes. The shampoos looked like the shampoos, you'd bath your dog with, if you had a dog and did not have somebody else who'd give him a bath. The shampoos when rinsed, produced a great foam.

Earth used it many times, we have been able to figure out about two or three times. We have also, discovered the kind of agents produced. The initial few times, the agents did not work very good, the fungii had even started growing on and underwater. The shampoo companies released newere version of shampoo which possesed ability to develop agents who'd think they are very intelligent. They would not only get earth rid of the fungus, but also will kill other agents, thereby to an extent solving the problem of cleaning the agents after the fungus was taken care of. The shampoo company was making real big buck with this new technology.Even though nobody knew how well its going to work.

So Earth shifted to the new product. Rinsed the previous shampoo. The great foam was raised all over the earth, and then later, the new shampoo came. It took few minutes for the intended agents to 'evolve'. The agents which came before the next breed of agents, thought believed that they were THE agents. They liked to believe so. The shampoo company had claimed that they were going to be 'intelligent agents'. Earth had no way to know, how 'intelligent' the agents were. The evolving agents proved James Glieck's theory about shuffled cards. They did there job allright, for sometime. Earth was happy a lot of fungi was gone. She bought another bottle of the shampoo.

But the agents outdid themselves each time. They proved to be too intelligent and too diversely intelligent. They got rid of a lot of fungii, but then some of them started growing more fungii. Some of them started protecting fungii. But they were all ok, the agents that followed, started growing some other stuff. Initially, Earth ignored it. But it was too much to be ignored. The stuff was spreading faster than the fungii did. The salesstar who sold the shampoo said that the real agents haven't come yet, and Earth did not need to worry and MUST not rinse it, because the intended agents had not yet been developed.

It was very itchy all that stuff, they were growing. Earth shook hard sometimes, sometimes it shook even harder. But it did not seem to solve a lot of problems.

Sometimes, Earth wondered about the purpose of its life, it wondered for how long will she keep going around the sun asking for stuff, and it wondered if that was the real purpose of its life. Or was it something else, was it some greater deed that was in store for here.
Some other times, she just itched herself. Sometimes, she got some small kids floating around to itch here or there. All they could really do was hit as hard as they could.

And the stuff continued to grow. The agents were underestimated, they became communicable and started troubling Earth's son and Marsi, Earth's favourite sibling. It led to differences between Earth and Marsi, Marsi complained to Sun. Sun was watching all this, and was helpless. The shampoo company said, don't rinse, wait, Marsi said, get rid of the thing, u've begun to look ugly, Moon (Earth's son) said nothing. Earth itched.

To be continued...Probably, Probably not.
(This time, the author claims lack of imagination is the reason for having no knowledge of the story beyond this point. Imagination claims, it has nothing to do with this disaster.)
(James Glieck has nothing to do with all of this, niether do his cards)

April 02, 2007

What was I born for?

I don't know if that is an universal query fired by a usual mind, but I am quite sure, there are many many people who have asked this question, to themselves and to others, and probably all of us have done that sometime or the other.

Kurt Vonnegut is one author, I can never get bored of. Its like Asterix and Obelix. I read 4 of them yesterday sitting in Crossword without buying even one. I know that is not good, but there are certain people, who always have pledge to start buying more first hand books as a tribute to the author, when they start getting payed enough. Nobody ever gets paid enough, most of the times, is another matter.

So that was not the point. The point was straight forward. What was/is the purpose of my life. I write 'was' as an option because, it clearly may be that I have already fulfilled the purpose of my life and now am just killing time to get to the next level of the game. I also write 'may be'.

What does Kurt Vonnegut have to do with this. Yes he does. You have to read 'The sirens of the Titans' to know what I am talking about. And you have to read 'Cat's Cradle' to know what it could mean and how easy could the answer to life be (I am talking about the end of the book)

So where does this question come from. Yes, it comes more often than not, when one is at work and one is saying 'What the hell am I doing here'.

One day it had occured to me it was for love, like the bollywood movies say. But two entities created for the purpose of them to be loved by each other was a very strange idea. Atleast, it wasn't a human kind of idea. I mean humans wouldn't create such a thing. Or may be they would. Who knows.

Or may be it was for love. Love of oneself. To treat yourself in the way you wanted. Enjoy the life and all that crazy stuff. The other day, my current-room-mate was telling me about Ayn Rand's philosophy of objectivism being something like true happiness lies in detachment from everything else. That's the kind of stuff I am talking about in this paragraph, the true happiness thing. Doing what makes you happy, there is a catch though, how many people really know what makes them happy.

I can never forget the example that James Gliek give in the book about Chaos, he says something like, if you shuffle a shuffled pack of cards, you'd never know if it was for good or worse. He was talking about Chaos, but he could even be talking about life, what a chaos it is.

So coming back to the point about Ayn Rand, the philosophy, I find quite similar to the ancient Hindu philosophy of Sanyas and all, I mean, did it not say to detach yourself from worldly things and desires, and that is the only path to Nirvaan. The exact opposite philosophy I read some days back by Vivekananda, (its not his philosophy probably, but he was standing in a poster and this quote was standing next to him) "One who does not live for others, his life is a waste".

There is one thing I have quite clearly set in my mind, that nobody in the world probably really knows about this stuff. May be Paulo Coehlo does, but all that he writes is too much to believe all the time. May be that's how truth is. Or may be it is Ayn Rand. But what about the ancient hindu scriptures, and Gautam Buddha and Vivekananda, and Jesus Christ said something about Love everyone or Prophet Mohammad.

Does anyone know the purpose of his life?

May be just asking this question over and over again, is the purpose. May be there is absolutely no purpose, may be we are just wasting our time. May be there is a real purpose of the life. Something that we'll never know. May be we are just sailing molecules, who have no individual purpose, but are together solving a purpose, by creating this chaos in the world? May be. The little molecule. May be

March 20, 2007

The little molecule-2

When I was younger, I hated stories which ended with "To be Continued" phrase.
Continued from The little molecule -1

A long time had passed. The molecule was crushed somewhere in a small corner of the huge house. He decided this was not what he wanted. But what could he do. It was not like older days when he could just fly out of anywhere. He had no space to move. he tried to talk, but he couldn't hear himself talking. all he heard was noise. lots of noise.
There began his journey which went on for long ages. He tried to keep track of time that passed. He couldn't. In that small corner, he had begun to fit well, so well that he believed, that was all where he could fit. Sometimes when noise was lower, he would talk to the other hydrogen molecule and with their leader oxygen. Sometimes he would hate them. Then he would miss the times when he could fly by where he wanted. Sometimes he would remember that the actual purpose of this all was giving someone life. He tried to ask oxygen who it was that he was helping. Oxygen always told him, it was for a much greater reason than he could ever think of. It was not that oxygen didn't want to tell him. Even he was always told just this much. Once when he was younger, he had tried to ask what this was all about. He found that he could not find anyone who knew anymore than he did. Slowly the questions died.
The molecule had been through much. He had gotten out of his house. That was the time the three of them talked. And then he had found himself back in some other house. The oxygen tried to explain to him what was happening, but he always used strange words ending with 'tion' which molecule could not make sense of and after sometime, he gave up.
The molecule started wondering if there could be someway, neway he could go back to be the way he was. Sometimes he thought that he would just quit and go away. He wanted to live for a real cause. The reason why he had decided to join the Oxygens, but he could not see what this was all about. There was no reason for him to stay there anymore. He wanted to be free.
Then one night, when everyone was sleeping he had tried to runaway. But he could not getway. He couldn't break the bond with the oxygen and the other hydrogen. He had been with them for so long and he felt he could not do anything alone either. He had probably also forgotten how to fly. But he forced his way out but he had to take the other hydrogen with him. Something must have helped him escape, but he didn't realize. He was just happy to be out. They went far away in the sky. Free at last, or were they?

The Oxygen molecule woke up to find himself together with so many other Oxygen molecules and one of them in his own room, and there were no hydrogens. The other oxygen molecule informed him that he was going to be with him for sometime. And they flew away too. Everyone was flying. Everybody was happy for sometime. Nobody knew how it had happened. Hydrogens thought they knew, but were not sure. Some claimed the knowledge of devine hand of God. Some others were not sure. And most others had no idea, and so believed in the devine theory. Those who weren't sure, thought that it was their hard work because of which this had happened. Some amongst them were not sure about this either. They took a safe stand and said, it was possible only because of their hardwork, but it would not have been possible without the devine help. At various points various some or the other of them changed their, what we would call, school of thought. Some created newere versions which meant nothing much more substantial, but they liked to be the molecules starting a new school of thought. And there were so many of them that almost always they found molecules which followed them.

So they were about floating in the air. Oxygens still had work to do. They were getting orders from different source, about which absolutely nobody among them knew. But they were not very sad and definitely were not missing the hydrogens and they didn't need to live in the clumsy houses anymore. For sometime atleast. But they met different molecules at different times. Some more hydrogens, there were others, carbons and others about which they had not heard before.

The little hydrogen molecule did not believe much in any of the theories that hydrogens were making about their freedom. And he felt lost. There were sometimes when he wanted to belong to some group, but he found it wierd to believe in something that everyone only belived in, without any knowledge of truth or false attached to it.

The little hydrogen had always been little. He never grew. None other hydrogens grew either, but most of them would change their behaviour at certain time and start talking in thick voices. They were called elders, little hydrogen was as old as some of the elders but he was little still. Sometimes he wanted to be one of the elders. Most other times he did not.

But once again, the little molecule was worried about what he could or would do. He was serving some purpose till sometime back. He remembered the series of events that had happened. They did not seem so tough a journey as it had then. He didn't remember the long periods of silences that he had as they were. He only remembered that they were their. He remembered some conversations but. And he remembered sometimes when he had had real fun. He remembered some mistakes that he did and somethings which he would make right, if he was to go back in time. But if, someone asked him if he wanted to go back. He'd say no. It was over. It was long back. He then believed in the thoughts of that oxygens believed in too. But he did not believe it now. He still wanted to do something, something good, only that he did not know what it was.

Time passed, lots of time. And then one day, he found himself trapped among thousands of other hydrogen atoms. They said, they were going to do great things. They said, its no use to live your life and have not done anything for anyone else. They sounded like oxygens, but they were more determined. Much more. So much that he thought that he wanted to join them. And they read his thought. They were fast, very fast. they were not elders, but they wanted to be elders, very fast. They read his thought and told him that all his life he had wanted to do something. And this was his big chance. This was the thing, he probably was made for. This was the one thing that was the reason, he was looking for, all his life. What were they going to do, he asked them.

They said, just wait and watch. Actually most of them did not know what it was themselves. They said just wait and watch because others had told them to just wait and watch. But they said it confidently, just like it had been told to them and the little molecule, in all his confusion, somehow believed them. And went with them.

They went on for a long time. They sang songs of praise for themselves and their cause. Nobody asked what the cause was. Those who did ask, did recieve replies. Just wait and watch. That's what everyone said. They mentioned sun sometimes. Sometimes someone said something like energy. But mostly everyone said just wait and watch. The little molecule found himself going towards the earth once again. Just wait and watch, they said. Some asked him too, about what this was all about. He said, just wait and watch, not as confidently as he had been told, but enough to convince the molecule that asked that he should just wait and watch and tell everyone who asks him to just wait and watch.

Somebody said something about sacrificing for a great cause. The little molecule did not know what sacrificing meant, ofcourse he had no chance of knowing what the great cause was. But since everyone around him was so convinced, he felt good about what he was going to do. And then it happened. Very suddenly. It became very hot and boom, there was a large noise. The little molecule didn't know what had happened. The little molecule did not know where he was. Something had happened. They had said, it was for good. The little molecule hoped so. He didn't know and it didn't matter. Sacrifice, yes it was. He did not know what it meant. Something good must have happened. It didn't matter. Things don't matter at all after a certain instant.

Not to be continued.

March 05, 2007

One flew over cukoo's nest

not a movie review

I am not exactly the kind of person who could review a movie and tell you which actors were brilliant and who disappointed and all of that, I can tell that by instinct but not by authority.

And neway, that was not the intention at all. i saw this movie day before yesterday evening and i have been waiting to come to my computer on monday to write this piece. I didn't talk much about the movie with anyone so that the thought doesn't become stale and all.

"Why the hell would somebody make a movie like this" was my first reaction. Answer came next, to display the novelty and depth of the idea. I mean people can do anything to display what they've got in their head, if they have enough food in their stomach to have such ideas in head and if they have access to resources to put it out of their head in stories and movies. Now did the maker think about how many people he was going to depress or nearly depress by this movie. Or did he relish this thought with some x-class of sense of humour. (I wonder how people manage to remember and distinguish so many different classes and kinds of humours, slapstick, cheeck and bone, don't ask me all the names, I don't even know the meanings. Sarcastic is easy to distinguish though. It is a lot like music probably. I can almost always tell what Jazz is, but then when it comes to alternative, indie and tons of others, I leave it to maniacs)

Yes, it was a beautiful movie. A really good concept. A really deserving depressing finish. And yes good performances by the actors too !!( If my saying so means anything )

Just all this talk about artists fooling around with people, depressing them, suddenly took me to another thought which I haven't told you about yet. The same day morning, I had thought of writing a story. I work of fiction. It came to my mind in a flash. And I told a friend of mine. And if I say it was depressing, it really was. And it was funny in a particular kind of sense of humour(one of those kinds, something close to saddistic sense of humour). And I was so damn tempted to write that, although it was not a very great idea. And this film maker had such a great story to tell. It had to be told probably. Its ok people got depressed. Sometimes they should.

I am not depressed, not yet

March 01, 2007

The little molecule -1

The entropy of an isolated system not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time, approaching a maximum value at equilibrium.The entropy of an isolated system not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time, approaching a maximum value at equilibrium.
(Ref: wikipedia, what else)

Once upon a time there was a molecule. People say it was hydrogen. Some may say Helium, nobody actually knows. But all believe that it was there and most believe it was Hydrogen. It was not alone ofcourse, it was with lots of others. The molecule used to fly about in the open spaces and just fly. One day while the molecule was flying, it was somewhere over the earth when Oxygens cam along. They said that the molecule was selfish to be roaming around about so freely when there was so much of trouble in the world. They said that they were life givers and that the Hydrogens can help in giving life too. The molecule said, that it was happy the way he is. Oxygens went away calling him selfish and other names.

Some weeks later (Here, it would be good to point out that the weeks that we are talking about are not the weeks as they are now, no they do not represent the time taken by sun to go around the earth 7 times. However, the details of the time-system will be too tedious for reader to understand and me to explain), so I was saying that some weeks later while the molecule was flying over a similar area, he suddenly thought that may be there was some truth in what the oxygen was saying. For a moment, he felt ashamed of being so selfish. He then started looking for oxygen and when he found some oxygens around, he asked if he still could be of some help. He was told that since he had been so late, he would have to get another friend of his, ofcourse another hydrogen friend, and the oxygens will send one of their molecules to show them the way.

It finally happened. Millions of hydrogens had this change of mind, but they were still confused about what they are supposed to do. They formed groups with oxygens. And floated in sky till one day they started turning dark brown, and then one day, without warning, oxygens told the hydrogens that they were going to turn into liquid. Before our little molecule could ask what liquid meant, he knew what it was. There were thousands of huge houses, and in each of those, there were millions and more than that molecules of oxygen and hydrogen. And all these houses were falling down. Down and down on earth.

The little molecule, was crushed in a corner of this house. If Einstien knew about this molecule, he would say that it was condensed. But it was not so simple as Einstien thought it to be. The molecule, little molecule which was flying and flying all in the open space was suddenly put into these houses. It was sad. a very sad state. It was the liquid state

But it was for good. The molecule was not being selfish now. He had no choice now anyway.

To be continued

February 28, 2007


I just went to soundpedia.com
And I also, on suggestion of a friend go to pandora.

soundpedia, I found much better today,may be some other day i'd find pandora better.
It felt good to rediscover songs I had heard long back and which remained in memories.

It all came true when today, my office people decided to shift me and my cabin-mate to some other room where priyanka got a winxp pc. I still have my solaris, in case i didn't mention.

This is cool, to be able to listen to songs while typing this shit. Long time since I did it. Atleast abt a month and a half.

I like soundpedia probably because it lets u choose what song u want to hear.
I know I like the radio surprise thing (yes I know pandora has some genome mapping BS, but its ok).

I DONT WANT TO GO HOME. 9.30 last bus. I am sleepy. Why does office have to be so far from home. I chose it that way.

Don't Analyse Don't Analyse. Long time.

February 27, 2007

Gaseous State

Confusion is a very confusing topic to talk about so i'll try not confuse in here, but if it somehow not possible to achieve, try not to be confused. or may be being confused is the greatest thing.

I am confused about a lot of things. I am confused about what the purpose of life is, I am confused about how a poem should be written, i am confused abt what should I talk to a person that i`ve been dying to talk to, about astrology, about philosophy, about my views about any subject, about suggestions that i should give when people expect them, abt the CORRECT way of doing things, nd i m confused abt the existence of that correct way.

But confusions have developed a kind of hit a rythm with me. I see a lot of big people trying to confuse there way out of things. I like that and I used to think I could do that too, but now i am confused abt that.

But there is one thing that I am not confused about at all, or may be almost at all. Confusions help in solving the problems that fundamentalism brings in. I mean confusion is in gaseous state. Any thing can come in and mix with it. There is room for all. I somehow like my confusion, or atleast i m confused abt whther i should like my confusion or not.

Sometime back I used to think straighter, I used to give advices. I still do that sometimes, but most other times, i am in gaseous state. U can trap the smoke in a jug but does it mean anything, I am sorry to those who expected me to suggest solutions. But I really don't know the solution. (I know, those people have learnt not to expect the solutions from me now).

I am confused about what I am doing. And what I should be doing. I am confused about if I should like my work because liking the work makes the work easy or should I do the work that I like.
I am really confused about if I'd not stop liking the work that I like now. Where does this all end. Or does it not.

I am confused about how some people are not confused. How some people can think straight, have goals when everything else is so confusing. Aims and goals and ambitions don't come from gaseous state (I think), but how is something better than the other. (Yes I know, somethings are downright better than some others, but mostly its all confusing)

Astrology is a science of future telling. I am confused about how can it work. I am confused about if I should believe it or not. I don't usually or atleast try not to. There is a lot that is in gaseous state. Science itself. Religion. my life, future and past. I.

Confused Poet


Well I am confused about a lot of things. Once long ago i set out to write abt the confusions, but the problem was that i thought before writing abt what i am going to write, If u understand what i mean, it spoils the whole thing. Its always the case, whenever I have to give a prepared talk or a rewrite something that I had earlier written or thought, I am so much in love with the original version that I just cannot get myself from trying to copy it and since I can't remember exact words, I spoil the whole thing. it becomes wierd


I used to write lot of poems. Mostly stupid, others rhymingly stupid. But I liked some of them and I tore most of them. But when i liked the ones that i had lost earlier, i tried to rewrite those and then same phenomena, it was nothing like it was.

I don't understand a few things. Paintings top the list. Poems come somewhere nearby. Some of the stuff is good and it makes some people cry nd all, but all the rhyming stuff, its crazy why people wud do it if they are not having fun, i mean serious poets. The poems, if i may call them so, that i wrote were just desperate search for the next rhyming word. I know some people who'd do it just for the fun of it. I know others who'd do it so that it sounds good. But i don't understand why would someone do it because it is supposed to be!

My problem is not actually with poems which rhyme as may have appeared in the previous few sentences. My problem is that some people write poems which do not rhyme at all. Now how is one supposed to distuingish between such poems and prose I mean if I wrote something like:

There was one a rider
A rider who used to ride

Ride because he had a bike
Bike because he had the money
Money because he had a rich dad

So, if i have to write a poem, if I start every sentence with a CAP and make sure that I hit the enter button before the end of the line, it makes a poem! or will i have to rhyme it too.

I know this post is a lot of shit. But I didn't ask u to read it either. There is a lot of shit that is going to follow this shit. I am thinking of starting to write poems. Or atleast stories. Or may be just some shit.

February 15, 2007

Who the hell watches TV

That's what i used to think about a month back in college, 'who the hell watches tv' (except ofcourse, the cricket matches or fifa world cup). I mean all that u'd see on tv was some newsclip about certain person stuck in a certain pit, and watch it over and over again for days together with characters and situations changed, or ofcourse u could watch some star plus. But who the hell watches tv, if he's got some sense of responsibility towards his time and is not remotely interested in either of the above two genre of tv shows

Yes about a month after a month back, i got the answer, its me!

I really don't know what I watch most of times. I come back from office abt 8-9, with some 30-40 pages to read, (yes, I am serious towards my work), and i switch on tv after dinner and boom, its 12.00, nd time to sleep.

Well there that was the other question that I was wondering about till sometime back, who the hell sleeps before 3. yes u got the answer

December 18, 2006

On a odd night with nothing to do

A man has got to do what a man has got to do and on a useless night, with nothing much to do except orkut with not many friends online and those online not responding, one has got to come back here and do what one has wanted to do for a long time

Once I wrote long about my life and confusions, and after having written a lot, I decided that it wasn't just worth while trying to explain what was happening in your life, then I simply didn't publish the thing, then about six months later, I got back to dashboard and posted it again.

One day a prof said to me that growing up meant, you had to have grow out of yourself. He asked if I could just go to a person, say a prof, without any reason, just because u felt like. I said no. Today, I went half the way

One day I said to myself, that I didn't know what I want. I said to myself then, that probably nobody does. Today I thought about what I wanted, I still don't know

I want to earn money, but I don't want to be rich
I want to write all the I's I write to be in capitals
i am not sure, i can always do it

My bro wants me to set my goals. No to go to america is not my goal. No I don't love my nation. I loved it. But now I don't understand what it means. No I don't mind going to america. No I don't mind earning money. No I don't want to be rich. I probably don't want to be famous. Yes I want people to listen.

I wanted to be Howard Roark. I know I am not. Still I would have liked to be.
I am very ordinary. I don't want to be. I try to find special things or thoughts in me. i find them. I find then, they are fairly ordinary too.

I don't want need to many people. I want to be needed. I want to be there when I am needed. I am not always there. I am not sure I am sorry, but probably I am

I love people who hate me. That's probably because I like to be important. But I am not sure many people really hate me. I like to be invisible or be really seen. I am most of times somewhere in middle. I hate to be in middle of road. I find myself there most of times.

I like writing. I can't get myself to do that very well or very often. I am lazy

I say i too many times. and give I too much importance.

Saying all this will not change one thing in me.